Jerry gets his mouth all fixed to say, "Aw, hell," recovers himself, and then begins: "Will the off animile kindly step at least two paces to the front?" (The mule starts to comply.) "I thank the off mule! Now, will the near mule kindly follow suit?" (It also starts to comply.) "Now, will both the near mule and the off mule be so good as to repeat the process, both pulling together, until requested to desist? Fine; off we go. Good Gawd--good Gawd!" ---- HOW GEORGE ADE SEES WAR. ---- Many Old Adages Must Be Revised If Germany Wins. ---- As his contribution to the National Security League's campaign of patriotism, George Ade has written a message to our young fighting men. "We must win this war," he contends, "or else revise all moral codes, rewrite all proverbs and adopt a brand new set of rules to govern conduct. If Germany is not licked to a standstill, we might as well begin to memorize and humbly accept the following: "Dishonesty is the best policy. "Be as mean as a skunk and you will be happy. "Blessed are the child murderers, for they shall inherit the earth. "Be sure you are right handy with fire-arms, then go ahead. "An evil reputation is better than riches. "Truth crushed to earth will not rise again if the crushing is done in a superior and efficient manner. "Be virtuous and you will be miserable. "Thrice armed is he who goes around picking quarrels. "Might makes right. "Hell on earth and hatred for all men. "Do unto others as you suspect that they might do unto you if they ever got to be as disreputable as you are. "God helps the man who helps himself to his neighbor's house and his field and his unprotected women. "These don't sound right, do they? "The old ones that we learned first of all are not yet out of date. "Suppose we don't revise them." ---- GLORIFIED. ---- (With apologies to the late Sir W. S. Gilbert.) ---- When I was a lad I served a term In a military school--how it made me squirm! I wore a shako, and a lot of braid. And I startled fire horses when on dress parade; But they took all glory away from me As a second lieut. a-wearing of my plain O. D. When I went to college, I was gayly clad In a sporty costume made of shepherd's plaid; I tried pink neckties and vermillion socks, And when I went out walking, I set back the clocks. But when I took Uncle Sam's degree I was nothing but a second lieut. in plain O. D.