Humorous stories; Politicians -- United States -- Fiction
"Oh, he is the stingy one, all right," Colonel Manysnifters confided
later to Mr. Ridley. "He is the kind of fellow who would send his best
girl a box of candy Saturday morning, and call around Sunday night and
eat it all up."
When the Senator had fully delivered himself, some one brought up the
negro question.
"They certainly are the limit in Washington," said Colonel Manysnifters.
"The sassy black rascals seem to think they own the town. And nigger
policemen, too! Think of a white man being arrested by a nigger
policeman!"
"I do not see why lawbreakers should object to the color of the man who
gathers them in," said Van Rensselaer sarcastically.
"We Southerners do, anyway," retorted the Colonel hotly.
"You Southerners should behave yourselves, then there would be no
trouble," observed Senator Hammond dryly.
"Well, that's all right, now," said Colonel Manysnifters, flaring up,
"we don't expect you Northerners to feel as we do about it! We----"
"Come, come, Manysnifters," said Senator Bull pacifically, "don't get
excited. Don't let the 'nigger in the wood-pile' spoil this occasion.
Calm yourself."
"Oh, I'm not excited. It takes a lot to excite me," said the Colonel;
"but just to give you an idea of how things are going in Washington, a
cousin of mine from Atlanta, a kindly disposed chap as ever lived,
meeting an old negress on the street there the other day, said to her,
'Well, Auntie, how are you this bright morning?'
"'Huh!' exclaimed the old woman angrily, 'Auntie! Don't you call me no
Auntie! I ain't yoh aunt, and I ain't yoh uncle; I'se yoh ekal!' Now
wouldn't that jar you? That's the way the niggers feel about it in
Washington."
"Forget it, Manysnifters," urged Senator Bull, "forget it. Give the
colored brother a show. He will work out his own salvation."
"At the end of a rope," growled the Colonel.
"Be charitable, sir, be charitable," said Senator Pennypacker
ponderously. "The negro problem lies with the white people of the South.
They will solve it. Give them time. Perhaps they may find
"'With keen, discriminating sight,
Black's not so black,
Nor white's so very white!'"
"Oh, we will solve it all right," said Colonel Manysnifters knowingly,
"trust us for that. Only--you Northern folks keep your hands off. That's
all we ask!"
Mr. Ridley, to soothe the fiery Southerner, poured out a generous
libation, and the dark cloud rolled over.
V
SENATOR BULL'S STORY
When we returned to the observation car Senator Bull was unanimously
called to the chair.
"I shall hark back to my boyhood days," said he, "and relate an incident
in my early life, and its sequel when I attained man's estate. I suppose
all of us have had experiences which have more than once brought home
the weight of that bewhiskered old maxim--'Truth is stranger than
fiction.'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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