Rough, commonplace minds know nothing of the scruples that rent and
tortured my father's soul. They say, "I am jealous," without troubling
themselves as to whether the words convey an insult or not. They forbid
the house to the person to whom they object, and shut their wives'
mouths with, "Am I master here?" taking heed of their own feelings
merely. Are they in the right? I know not; I only know that such rough
methods were impossible to my poor father. He had sufficient strength to
assume an icy mien towards Termonde, to address him as seldom as
possible, to give him his hand with the insulting politeness that makes
a gulf between two sincere friends; but Termonde affected
unconsciousness of all this. My father, who did not want to have a scene
with him, because the immediate consequence would have been another
scene with my mother, multiplied these small affronts, and then Termonde
simply changed the time of his visits, and came during my father's
business hours. How vividly my father depicted his stormy rage at the
idea that his wife and the man of whom he was jealous were talking
together, undisturbed, in the flower-decked salon, while he was toiling
to procure all the luxury that money could purchase for that wife who
could never, never love him, although he believed her faithful. But, oh,
that cold fidelity was not what he longed for--he who ended his letter
by these words--how often have I repeated them to myself:
"_It is so sad to feel that one is in the way in one's own house, that
one possesses a woman by every right, that she gives one all that her
duty obliges her to give, all, except her heart, which is another's,
unknown to herself, perhaps, unless, indeed, that---- My sister, there
are terrible hours in which I say to myself that I am a fool, a coward,
that he is her lover, she is his mistress, that they laugh together at
me, at my blindness, my stupid trust. Do not scold me, dear Louise. This
idea is infamous, and I drive it away by taking refuge with you, to
whom, at least, I am all the world._"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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