at any price I must know that I was wrong; or, I was right and I must
know that too. The sole resource henceforth remaining to me for the
preservation of my self-respect was ardent and ceaseless search after
certainty.
That such a search was beset with difficulty I was well aware. Mow was I
to get at facts? The very position of the problem which I had before me
forbade all hope of discovering anything whatsoever by a formal inquiry.
What, in fact, was the matter in question? It was to make myself certain
whether M. Termonde was or was not the accomplice of the man who had led
my father into the trap in which he had lost his life. But I did not
know that man himself; I had no data to go upon except the particulars
of his disguise and the vague speculations of a Judge of Instruction. If
I could only have consulted that Judge, and availed myself of his
experience? How often since have I taken out the packet containing the
denunciatory letters, with the intention of showing them to him and
imploring advice, support, suggestions, from him. But I have always
stopped short before the door of his house; the thought of my mother
barred its entrance against me. What if he, the Judge of Instruction in
the case, were to suspect her as my aunt had done? Then I would go back
to my own abode, and shut myself up for hours, lying on the divan in my
smoking-room and drugging my senses with tobacco. During that time I
read and re-read the fatal letters, although I knew them by heart, in
order to verify my first impression with the hope of dispelling it. It
was, on the contrary, deepened. The only gain I obtained from my
repeated perusals was the knowledge that this certainty, of which I had
made a point of honour to myself, could only be psychological. In short,
all my fancies started from the moral data of the crime, apart from
physical data which I could not obtain. I was therefore obliged to rely
entirely, absolutely, upon those moral data, and I began again to reason
as I had done at Compiègne. "Supposing," said I to myself, "that M.
Termonde is guilty, what state of mind must he be in? This state of mind
being once ascertained, how can I act so as to wrest some sign of his
guilt from him?" As to his state of mind I had no doubt. Ill and
depressed as I knew him to be, his mind troubled to the point of
torment, if that suffering, that gloom, that misery were accompanied by
the recollection of a murder committed in the past, the man was the
victim of secret remorse. The point was then to invent a plan which
should give, as it were, a form to his remorse, to raise the spectre of
the deed he had done roughly and suddenly before him. If guilty, it was
impossible but that he would tremble; if innocent, he would not even be
aware of the experiment. But how was this sudden summoning-up of his
crime before the man whom I suspected to be accomplished? On the stage
and in novels one confronts an assassin with the spectacle of his crime,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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