and keeps watch upon his face for the one second during which he loses
his self-possession; but in reality there is no instrument except
unwieldy, unmanageable speech wherewith to probe a human conscience. I
could not, however, go straight to M. Termonde and say to his face: "You
had my father killed!" Innocent or guilty, he would have had me turned
from the door as a madman!
After several hours of reflection, I came to the conclusion that only
one plan was reasonable, and available: this was to have a private talk
with my stepfather at a moment when he would least expect it, an
interview in which all should be hints, shades, double meanings, in
which each word should be like the laying of a finger upon the sorest
spots in his breast, if indeed his reflections were those of a murderer.
Every sentence of mine must be so contrived as to force him to ask
himself: "Why does he say this to me if he knows nothing? He does know
something. How much does he know?" So well acquainted was I with every
physical trait of his, the slightest variations of his countenance, his
simplest gestures, that no sign of disturbance on his part, however
slight, could escape me. If I did not succeed in discovering the seat of
the malady by this process, I should be convinced of the baselessness of
those suspicions which were constantly springing up afresh in my mind
since the death of my aunt. I would then admit the simple and probable
explanation--nothing in my father's letters discredited it--that M.
Termonde had loved my mother without hope in the lifetime of her first
husband, and had then profited by her widowhood, of which he had not
even ventured to think. If, on the contrary, I observed during our
interview, that he was alive to my suspicions, that he divined them, and
anxiously followed my words; if I surprised that swift gleam in his eye
which reveals the instinctive terror of an animal, attacked at the
moment of its fancied security, if the experiment succeeded,
then--then--I dared not think of what then? The mere possibility was too
overwhelming. But should I have the strength to carry on such a
conversation? At the mere thought of it, my heart-beats were quickened,
and my nerves thrilled. What! this was the first opportunity that had
been offered to me of action, of devoting myself to the task of
vengeance, so coveted, so fully accepted during all my early years, and
I could hesitate? Happily, or unhappily, I had near me a counsellor
stronger than my doubts, my father's portrait, which was hung in my
smoking-room. When I awoke in the night and plunged into these thoughts,
I would light my candle and go to look at the picture. How like we were
to each other, my father and I, although I was more slightly built! How
exactly the same we were! How near to me I felt him, and how dearly I
loved him! With what emotion I studied those features, the lofty
forehead, the brown eyes, the rather large mouth, the rather long chin,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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