And as soon as the words were spoken, she saw too where she herself
stood, and to what point beyond she was prepared to go. She knew now
that she would have taken his job, not at added wages, but without
wages at all. But to the humiliating thought that he imagined himself
to be doing her a kindness was now superadded that of his entire
ignorance that she might be making an attack upon his faithfulness at
all. Suddenly she saw herself merely wonderful to him--_she_
wonderful!--she, who had thought she could spend all her life up in
the clouds, be content to be magnanimous for magnanimity's sake,
virtuous for the mere love of virtue! Oh, if that was all, he needn't
think _that_ any longer! Wonderful?... What she wanted was not
wonderful at all, oh dear, no: merely something common, coarse,
filling; nothing more wonderful than that.... Wise mother, to have
known that that was the end of it all, and to have taken, long ago, in
Henson's studio, the short cut! She did not even try to check a wild
little exclamation....
And he evidently saw something too, though what, as he blundered
deeper, she did not stop to inquire. He gave a groan. "Poor woman!" he
said compassionately.
He might just as well have set a spark to a fuse. There broke from her
a peremptory cry.
"Not that, Jim--that's the one thing I will _not_ bear--I will _not_
be called 'poor woman'----"
And the rest now had to follow. It was the sum of her broodings,
resentments, hatreds, dreams, desire, despair. Evie, him, herself--oh,
it was not her fault if he didn't see now how the three of them stood.
He knew only too well what he wanted: what Louie wanted she also knew
only too well. Except to offer her a job that would save him even the
trouble of ringing her up on the telephone when her help was required,
had he ever, until this moment, looked at the thing from her point of
view? He had not. She would help him still; but if their ships must
part like this, at least no false tidings should pass from bridge to
bridge: he should know exactly what it was he asked, and why she gave
it! She began to speak rapidly, uncertainly, but sparing him nothing.
Perhaps, after all, she said, his wife would understand; he had only
to tell her that her husband made away with her sweetheart; perhaps
she could bear it; if she couldn't well--he knew what was his for the
holding up of a finger....
Then, as suddenly as she had begun, she stopped. Her voice dropped.
"I've had no luck," she said, with quiet bitterness. "I'm out of it,
and there's no more to say. Give me a match."
And then she rose. He might sit there if he liked.
He rose too, and they walked down the room in silence together. The
bead screen of the hall parted and tinkled together again behind the
great church-door of his back. Without a word he took down his coat
and, under the coloured hall lamp, hoisted himself into it. And then
he looked at her.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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