I think at this moment, however, of two minds famous in the
world of letters between which and mine there are certain fine
points of similarity. These are the minds of Lord Byron and of
Marie Bashkirtseff. It is the Byron of “Don Juan” in whom I find
suggestions of myself. In this sublime outpouring there are few
to admire the character of Don Juan, but all must admire Byron. He
is truly admirable. He uncovered and exposed his soul of mingled
good and bad--as the terms are--for the world to gaze upon. He knew
the human race, and he knew himself.
As for that strange notable, Marie Bashkirtseff, yes, I am rather
like her in many points, as I’ve been told. But in most things I
go beyond her.
Where she is deep, I am deeper.
Where she is wonderful in her intensity, I am still more wonderful
in my intensity.
Where she had philosophy, I am a philosopher.
Where she had astonishing vanity and conceit, I have yet more
astonishing vanity and conceit.
But she, forsooth, could paint good pictures,--and I--what can
I do?
She had a beautiful face, and I am a plain-featured, insignificant
little animal.
She was surrounded by admiring, sympathetic friends, and I am
alone--alone, though there are people and people.
She was a genius, and still more am I a genius.
She suffered with the pain of a woman, young; and I suffer with
the pain of a woman, young and all alone.
And so it is.
Along some lines I have gotten to the edge of the world. A step
more and I fall off. I do not take the step. I stand on the edge,
and I suffer.
Nothing, oh, nothing on the earth can suffer like a woman young
and all alone!
--Before proceeding farther with the Portraying of Mary MacLane,
I will write out some of her uninteresting history.
I was born in 1881 at Winnepeg, in Canada. Whether Winnepeg will
yet live to be proud of this fact is a matter for some conjecture
and anxiety on my part. When I was four years old I was taken with
my family to a little town in western Minnesota, where I lived a
more or less vapid and lonely life until I was ten. We came then
to Montana.
Whereat the aforesaid life was continued.
My father died when I was eight.
Apart from feeding and clothing me comfortably and sending me to
school--which is no more than was due me--and transmitting to me
the MacLane blood and character, I can not see that he ever gave
me a single thought.
Certainly he did not love me, for he was quite incapable of loving
any one but himself. And since nothing is of any moment in this
world without the love of human beings for each other, it is a
matter of supreme indifference to me whether my father, Jim MacLane
of selfish memory, lived or died.
He is nothing to me.
There are with me still a mother, a sister, and two brothers.
They also are nothing to me.
They do not understand me any more than if I were some strange live
curiosity, as which I dare say they regard me.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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