Business enterprises -- Fiction; Inventions -- Fiction; Science fiction; Short stories
The following day, cans began falling on Chicago. St. Louis was next,
and then over the entire nation the cans began to rain down. They fell
outdoors and indoors, usually materializing at heights that were not
dangerous. The deluge followed no pattern. Sometimes it would slacken,
sometimes it would stop, sometimes begin heavily again. It fell in
homes, on the streets, in theatres, trains, ships, universities and
dog-food factories. No place was immune.
People took to wearing hats indoors and out, and the sale of helmets
boomed.
All activity was seriously curtailed.
A state of national emergency was declared.
Government investigators went to work and soon confirmed what was
generally suspected: these were the same cans that had been opened by
the Piltdon Super-Opener.
Statisticians and mathematicians calculated the mean rate of can
precipitation and estimated that if all the cans opened by Piltdon
openers were to come back, the deluge should be over in fifteen point
twenty-nine days.
Super-Opener sales of course immediately plummeted to zero and stayed
there. Anti-Piltdon editorials appeared in the papers. Commentators
accused Piltdon of deliberately hoaxing the public for his own gain. A
Congressional investigation was demanded. Piltdon received threats of
bodily injury. Lawsuits were filed against him. He barricaded himself
in the plant, surrounded by bodyguards.
Livid with fury and apprehension, he screamed at Feetch, "This is your
doing, you vandal! I'm a ruined man!" A falling can caught him neatly
on the tip of his nose.
"But sir," trembled Feetch, dodging three spaghetti cans, "I tried to
warn you."
"You're through, Feetch!" raved Piltdon. "Fired! Get out! But before
you go, I want you to know that I've directed the blame where it
belongs. I've just released to the press the truth about who created
the Super-Opener. Now, get out!"
"Yes, sir," said Feetch paling. "Then you don't want to hear about my
discovery of a way to prevent the cans from coming back?"
Klunk! A barrage of cans hit the floor, and both men took refuge under
Piltdon's huge desk. "No!" yelled Piltdon at Feetch's face which was
inches away. "No, I----What did you say?"
"A small design improvement sir, and the cans would disappear forever."
Klunk!
"Forever, Feetch?"
"Yes sir." Klunk! Klunk!
"You're positive, Feetch?" Piltdon's eyes glared into Feetch's.
"Sir, I never make careless claims."
"That's true," said Piltdon. His eyes grew dreamy. "It can be done,"
he mused. "The New Type Super-Opener. Free exchanges for the old.
Cash guarantee that empty cans will never bother you. Take a licking
at first, but then monopolize the market. All right, Feetch, I'll
give you another chance. You'll turn over all the details to me. The
patent on the improvement will naturally be mine. I'll get the credit
for rectifying your blunder. Fine, fine. We'll work it out. Hop on
production, at once, Feetch."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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