_The Title_ A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY ARNOLD BENNETT LONDON CHATTO & WINDUS MCMXVIII CHARACTERS MR. CULVER MRS. CULVER HILDEGARDE CULVER } their children JOHN CULVER } TRANTO MISS STARKEY SAMPSON STRAIGHT PARLOURMAID ACT I An evening between Christmas and New Year, before dinner. ACT II The next evening, after dinner. ACT III The next day, before lunch. The scene throughout is a sitting-room in the well-furnished West End abode of the Culvers. There is a door, back. There is also another door (L) leading to Mrs. Culver's boudoir and elsewhere. ACT I ACT I Hildegarde _is sitting at a desk, writing_. John, _in a lounging attitude, is reading a newspaper_. _Enter_ Tranto, _back_. TRANTO. Good evening. HILDEGARDE (_turning slightly in her seat and giving him her left hand, the right still holding a pen_). Good evening. Excuse me one moment. TRANTO. All right about my dining here to-night? (Hildegarde _nods_.) Larder equal to the strain? HILDEGARDE. Macaroni. TRANTO. Splendid. HILDEGARDE. Beefsteak. TRANTO. Great heavens! (_imitates sketchily the motions of cutting up a piece of steak. Shaking hands with_ John, _who has risen_). Well, John. How are things? Don't let me disturb you. Have a cigarette. JOHN (_flattered_). Thanks. (_As they light cigarettes_.) You're the first person here that's treated me like a human being. TRANTO. Oh! JOHN. Yes. They all treat me as if I was a schoolboy home for the hols. TRANTO. But you are, aren't you? JOHN. In a way, of course. But--well, don't you see what I mean? TRANTO (_sympathetically_). You mean that a schoolboy home for the hols isn't necessarily something escaped out of the Zoo. JOHN (_warming_). That's it. TRANTO. In fact, what you mean is you're really an individual very like the rest of us, subject, if I may say so, to the common desires, weaknesses and prejudices of humanity--and not a damned freak. JOHN (_brightly_). That's rather good, that is. If it's a question of the Zoo, what I say is--what price home? Now, homes _are_ extraordinary if you like--I don't know whether you've ever noticed it. School--you can understand school. But home--! Strange things happen here while I'm away. TRANTO. Yes? JOHN. It was while I was away they appointed Dad a controller. When I heard--I laughed. Dad a controller! Why, he can't even control mother. HILDEGARDE (_without looking round_). Oh yes he can. JOHN (_pretending to start back_). Stay me with flagons! (_Resuming to_ Tranto.) And _you're_ something new here since the summer holidays. TRANTO. I never looked at myself in that light. But I suppose I _am_ rather new here. JOHN. Not quite new. But you've made a lot of progress during the last term. TRANTO. That's comforting. JOHN. You understand what I mean. You were rather stiff and prim in August--now you aren't a bit. TRANTO. Just so. Well, I won't ask you what you think of _me_, John--you might tell me--but what do you think of my newspaper?