First loves -- Fiction; Man-woman relationships -- Fiction; Russian fiction -- Translations into English
Zinaïda continued to play cat and mouse with me. She flirted with me,
and I was all agitation and rapture; then she would suddenly thrust me
away, and I dared not go near her—dared not look at her.
I remember she was very cold to me for several days together; I was
completely crushed, and creeping timidly to their lodge, tried to keep
close to the old princess, regardless of the circumstance that she was
particularly scolding and grumbling just at that time; her financial
affairs had been going badly, and she had already had two
“explanations” with the police officials.
One day I was walking in the garden beside the familiar fence, and I
caught sight of Zinaïda; leaning on both arms, she was sitting on the
grass, not stirring a muscle. I was about to make off cautiously, but
she suddenly raised her head and beckoned me imperiously. My heart
failed me; I did not understand her at first. She repeated her signal.
I promptly jumped over the fence and ran joyfully up to her, but she
brought me to a halt with a look, and motioned me to the path two paces
from her. In confusion, not knowing what to do, I fell on my knees at
the edge of the path. She was so pale, such bitter suffering, such
intense weariness, was expressed in every feature of her face, that it
sent a pang to my heart, and I muttered unconsciously, “What is the
matter?”
Zinaïda stretched out her head, picked a blade of grass, bit it and
flung it away from her.
“You love me very much?” she asked at last. “Yes.”
I made no answer—indeed, what need was there to answer?
“Yes,” she repeated, looking at me as before. “That’s so. The same
eyes,”—she went on; sank into thought, and hid her face in her hands.
“Everything’s grown so loathsome to me,” she whispered, “I would have
gone to the other end of the world first—I can’t bear it, I can’t get
over it…. And what is there before me!… Ah, I am wretched…. My God, how
wretched I am!”
“What for?” I asked timidly.
Zinaïda made no answer, she simply shrugged her shoulders. I remained
kneeling, gazing at her with intense sadness. Every word she had
uttered simply cut me to the heart. At that instant I felt I would
gladly have given my life, if only she should not grieve. I gazed at
her—and though I could not understand why she was wretched, I vividly
pictured to myself, how in a fit of insupportable anguish, she had
suddenly come out into the garden, and sunk to the earth, as though
mown down by a scythe. It was all bright and green about her; the wind
was whispering in the leaves of the trees, and swinging now and then a
long branch of a raspberry bush over Zinaïda’s head. There was a sound
of the cooing of doves, and the bees hummed, flying low over the scanty
grass. Overhead the sun was radiantly blue—while I was so sorrowful….
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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