A man who grew younger instead of older! A man who already was ten years
younger than he had been a few months ago! He had been quite right in
saying, when I had tried to take him down to Haslemere, that that only
meant that I had not yet taken it in. I was as far from being able to
take it in as ever. More and more it forced itself on me as menacing,
inimical, wild. What sane man could believe it? And yet, if it was not
to be believed, why could I not shake it off? Why did it lurk, as it
were, in the half-lighted corners of Madge's drawing-room, allowing me
all the time I wished in which to demonstrate it to be nonsense, and
then, when I had left not one aspect of it uncriticised and undenied,
reunite and face me again exactly as before?
It happened, he said, while he slept; and he had strictly enjoined on me
that if I saw him falling asleep I was to walk straight out of the
place. "There are some things I won't ask even a pal to go through."
That meant that during his sleep those tufts of his eyebrows disappeared
and that terrifying strength descended on him again. But what happened
_before_ then? Was the actual and physical change simultaneous with the
inner and mental one, or was it merely a confirmation that came
afterwards? _Had_ he changed in every respect but form and feature even
as I had talked to him? It frightened me to think that he had; but the
more I thought of it the more it looked like it.
For there had taken place a struggle within him that had but increased
in intensity as the minutes had passed. I remembered the gravity with
which he had pondered my suggestion that for the stuff of his novels he
had been too directly to heaven, too straight to hell. I don't pretend
to know any more about heaven and hell than anybody else, but I have the
ordinary man's conception of the difference between good and evil,
better and worse, and these principles, it seemed to me, had contended
in him. And he had striven to throw the weight of his personal will into
the worthier scale. There were things he did not wish to re-do, episodes
he did not wish to re-live. He had even wept that he must be dislodged
from that rock of his life to which his forty-five years had brought
him.... But what had followed? Suddenly a wicked chuckle. Violent
expressions had crept into his speech. A glitter had awakened in his
eyes, as if, since the thing must be gone through with, devilry and
defiance were a more manly part than weeping. "Well, if there's no help
for it, let's be thorough one way or the other," I could have imagined
him grimly saying....
And if this was so, what did it mean but that he _had_ actually grown
younger before my very eyes? I was merely shown, invisibly and a little
in advance, what the whole world would realise when his sleep had
smoothed out a few more wrinkles, given a newer gloss to his hair and an
added brightness to his eyes....
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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