“Is my promise so _very_ important?” she asked. She glanced angrily at
the three ladies who were hesitating in the doorway. Nevertheless, the
ladies entered, and seated themselves at the opposite end of the
carriage. Siegmund did not know whether he were displeased or relieved
by their intrusion. If they had stayed out, he might have held Helena
in his arms for still another hour. As it was, she could not harass him
with words. He tried not to look at her, but to think.
The train at last moved out of the station. As it passed through
Portsmouth, Siegmund remembered his coming down, on the Sunday. It
seemed an indefinite age ago. He was thankful that he sat on the side
of the carriage opposite from the one he had occupied five days before.
The afternoon of the flawless sky was ripening into evening. The
chimneys and the sides of the houses of Portsmouth took on that radiant
appearance which transfigures the end of day in town. A rich bloom of
light appears on the surfaces of brick and stone.
“It will go on,” thought Siegmund, “being gay of an evening, for ever.
And I shall miss it all!”
But as soon as the train moved into the gloom of the Town station, he
began again:
“Beatrice will be proud, and silent as steel when I get home. She will
say nothing, thank God—nor shall I. That will expedite matters: there
will be no interruptions….
“But we cannot continue together after this. Why should I discuss
reasons for and against? We cannot. She goes to a cottage in the
country. Already I have spoken of it to her. I allow her all I can of
my money, and on the rest I manage for myself in lodgings in London.
Very good.
“But when I am comparatively free I cannot live alone. I shall want
Helena; I shall remember the children. If I have the one, I shall be
damned by the thought of the other. This bruise on my mind will never
get better. Helena says she would never come to me; but she would, out
of pity for me. I know she would.
“But then, what then? Beatrice and the children in the country, and me
not looking after the children. Beatrice is thriftless. She would be in
endless difficulty. It would be a degradation to me. She would keep a
red sore inflamed against me; I should be a shameful thing in her
mouth. Besides, there would go all her strength. She would not make any
efforts. ‘He has brought it on us,’ she would say; ‘let him see what
the result is.’ And things would go from bad to worse with them. It
would be a gangrene of shame.
“And Helena—I should have nothing but mortification. When she was
asleep I could not look at her. She is such a strange, incongruous
creature. But I should be responsible for her. She believes in me as if
I had the power of God. What should I think of myself?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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