He was dry-eyed and desperate. But now somehow his feelings contained
an emotion that the first shock of his loss had not brought him. He
was no longer a prey to a weak, unresisting submission, the grief of
a tortured gentle heart. There was another feeling. A feeling of anger
and resentment which slowly grew with each moment, and sent the hot
blood surging furiously to his brain. Nor was this feeling directed
against Jessie. How could it be? He loved her so that her cruel
desertion of him appeared to be a matter for which he was chiefly to
blame. Yes, he understood. He was not the husband for her. How could
it be otherwise? He had no cleverness. He had always been a failure.
No, his anger was not against Jessie. It was the other. It was the man
who had robbed him of all he cared for in the world.
His anger grew hotter and hotter. And with this growing passion there
came an absolute revulsion of the motive force that had always
governed him. He wanted to hurt. He wanted to hurt this man, Lord
James. And his simple mind groped for a means to carry out his desire.
He began to think more quickly and clearly, and the process brought
him a sort of cold calmness. Again his grief was thrust out of his
focus, and all his mental energy was concentrated upon his desire. And
he conjured up a succession of pictures of the tortures and sufferings
he desired for this villain who had so wronged him.
But the pictures were too feeble and wholly inadequate to satisfy. So
gentle was his nature, that, even stirred as he was, he could not
conceive a fitting punishment for so great an offense. He felt his own
inadequacy, his own feebleness to cope with the problem before him,
and so he sat brooding impotently.
It was all useless. And as the minutes slipped by his anger began to
die out, merging once more into the all-absorbing grief that underlay
it. He was alone. Alone! He would never see her again. The thought
chilled him to a sudden nervous dread. No, no, it was not possible.
She would come back. She must come back. Yes, yes. She was his
Jessie. His beautiful Jessie. She belonged to him. And the children.
She loved them. How she loved them. They were theirs. Yes, she would
come back. Maybe she would come back at supper-time. She would
understand by then. Because she was good, and--and kind, and--No, no,
Fate could never be so cruel as to take her from him.
He rose and paced the floor with nervous, uneven strides. He plunged
his hand into his coat pocket and drew out the letter again. He
re-read it, with hot eyes and straining thought. Every word seemed to
sear itself upon his poor brain, and drive him to the verge of
distraction. Why? Why? And he raised his bloodshot eyes to the roof of
his hut, and crushed the paper in one desperate hand.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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