SPEED. How now, Signior Launce! What news with your mastership? LAUNCE. With my master's ship? Why, it is at sea. SPEED. Well, your old vice still: mistake the word. What news, then, in your paper? LAUNCE. The black'st news that ever thou heard'st. SPEED. Why, man? how black? LAUNCE. Why, as black as ink. SPEED. Let me read them. LAUNCE. Fie on thee, jolt-head; thou canst not read. SPEED. Thou liest; I can. LAUNCE. I will try thee. Tell me this: Who begot thee? SPEED. Marry, the son of my grandfather. LAUNCE. O illiterate loiterer. It was the son of thy grandmother. This proves that thou canst not read. SPEED. Come, fool, come; try me in thy paper. LAUNCE. [Handing over the paper] There; and Saint Nicholas be thy speed. SPEED. [Reads] 'Inprimis: She can milk.' LAUNCE. Ay, that she can. SPEED. 'Item: She brews good ale.' LAUNCE. And thereof comes the proverb: Blessing of your heart, you brew good ale. SPEED. 'Item: She can sew.' LAUNCE. That's as much as to say 'Can she so?' SPEED. 'Item: She can knit.' LAUNCE. What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when she can knit him a stock. SPEED. 'Item: She can wash and scour.' LAUNCE. A special virtue; for then she need not be wash'd and scour'd. SPEED. 'Item: She can spin.' LAUNCE. Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can spin for her living. SPEED. 'Item: She hath many nameless virtues.' LAUNCE. That's as much as to say 'bastard virtues'; that indeed know not their fathers, and therefore have no names. SPEED. 'Here follow her vices.' LAUNCE. Close at the heels of her virtues. SPEED. 'Item: She is not to be kiss'd fasting, in respect of her breath.' LAUNCE. Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on. SPEED. 'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.' LAUNCE. That makes amends for her sour breath. SPEED. 'Item: She doth talk in her sleep.' LAUNCE. It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk. SPEED. 'Item: She is slow in words.' LAUNCE. O villain, that set this down among her vices! To be slow in words is a woman's only virtue. I pray thee, out with't; and place it for her chief virtue. SPEED. 'Item: She is proud.' LAUNCE. Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot be ta'en from her. SPEED. 'Item: She hath no teeth.' LAUNCE. I care not for that neither, because I love crusts. SPEED. 'Item: She is curst.' LAUNCE. Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite. SPEED. 'Item: She will often praise her liquor.' LAUNCE. If her liquor be good, she shall; if she will not, I will; for good things should be praised. SPEED. 'Item: She is too liberal.' LAUNCE. Of her tongue she cannot, for that's writ down she is slow of; of her purse she shall not, for that I'll keep shut. Now of another thing she may, and that cannot I help. Well, proceed. SPEED. 'Item: She hath more hair than wit, and more faults