face as he fell upon a book he wanted which was cheap enough to be
bought. To think he should really care about such a trifle--he--papa,
the clergyman whom everybody looked up to; that he should look as
pleased about it as Ellen our servant did when she got a new dress! I
was half humiliated, half sympathetic. Poor papa! What a pity he could
not buy a great many books when he cared so much for them! But yet, I
think, there was a little sense of shame on his behalf, and of
humiliation, mingled with that more amiable thought; that he should care
so much about anything, seemed somehow a derogation from his dignity, a
descent on his part into a less lofty place.
We lived in Southampton Street, in the end where there are no shops. We
had two very white steps before our front-door, which was the brightest
point about us. When anyone asked in that street where the clergyman of
St Mark’s lived, the house was always pointed out by this: “No. 75, the
house with the white steps.” I used to think for years and years that
they were a natural feature, and had nothing to do with any work of man,
or rather, woman. It was a shabby house inside. There were two little
kitchens in the basement, two little parlours on the ground-floor, two
little bedrooms above that, and on the top storey I think there were
three divisions instead of two. One of the little parlours--the back
one, which looked out upon a little square yard about the same size--was
papa’s study. It was not a cheerful room, with that outlook upon four
brick walls, and a little square bit of mouldy black soil in which
flourished some poor tufts of grass, and the big water-butt in the
foreground, where the water was black with soot--when there was any
water at all. The room had a writing-table in it, always covered with
books and papers, and papa’s chair--black haircloth, beginning to wear
white at the edges--between the table and the fire, and two other black
chairs standing against the opposite wall. It was divided by folding
doors from the parlour, in which we lived. This room was furnished with
a haircloth sofa, half-a-dozen chairs, a round table with a
close-fitting oilcloth cover, and, thrust up into a corner, an old
piano, upon which I practised sometimes, and which on other occasions
served as a sideboard. There was a short Venetian blind at the lower
part of the window to keep people from seeing in, and a chair in the
recess, on which I used to sit and darn papa’s stockings and dream.
Sometimes I read, but, generally, dreaming was more fun. I made out such
nice new lives for myself and papa. Sometimes I would dream that we were
quite different people from what we appeared to be--great people, rich
and noble, with all kinds of grandeur belonging to us, though no one
knew; and how it would be found out all of a sudden, to the confusion
of everybody who had ever been uncivil. I used to trace out, as minutely
as if I had seen it, every detail of what we were to do. I was Lady Mary
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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