of rest, which is almost ease, passes over it. This was how I lived for
three months with Mary; until the shock of the other who thrust himself
into our life--the stranger, who was no stranger, came.
His first appearance was nothing but an insignificant trouble, a mere
annoyance to me,--why should I care? I had not thought of him at all for
years; and I never had thought of him much. But still I did not want him
there: he annoyed me; he was a kind of constant menace of more annoyance
to come. But I don’t know what steps I could have taken. It was a long
time before I could realise that he would fall in love with Mary. I
rather think it is difficult to believe that a man who has loved you
will love some one else. That is--if you are quite indifferent to him;
it is so much easier then, to believe in his faithfulness. The idea did
not occur to me. I feared a little for Mary once or twice, and tried to
warn her; but she was always a dreamy sort of girl, and it was hard to
tell when a new influence came over her. She had lived in dreams of one
kind or other ever since I knew her; and I knew nothing, really nothing,
about what was going on, till that unhappy afternoon when he recognised
me, and came in and talked foolishly in Mary’s hearing, about things
that had happened so long before. Poor child!--I don’t blame her, for
her foolishness was natural enough. She thought I had stolen away her
lover, as I had stolen away her father. She would not listen to me, and
when she did listen to me she did not believe me; and there on the other
hand was he, demanding explanations. Good heavens, what right has a man
like that to ask explanations--a man one had never cared for, and would
have died of? He worried me so that I could not be civil. What with
grief, and what with vexation at the turn things had taken, and
disappointment in Mary, and illness in myself, I had no patience with
the man, maundering on about things that had happened ages before, that
were of no importance to any living being. When he waylaid me on my way
to her, keeping me back from her, in her agony of temper and
mortification and humiliation, what I could have done to him! I was in a
nervous state, I suppose, and easily irritated. I could have struck him
when he came out and worried me. And there was Mary turning her face to
the wall, shutting out the light, shutting her ears, determined to be
miserable. Oh! when I toiled up and down stairs going to her, when I
felt ill and knew that nobody cared, when I saw her absorbed in her
foolish misery, and him tormenting himself and me about dead nonsense
that never had been anything, you may excuse me if I had very little
patience. After a night of it I got tired and sick of the whole
business. It seemed too hard to be obliged to put up with all this folly
on the eve of being ill. And who would care whether I was ill or not, if
things went on so?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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