"The girls are all meeting on the campus--under the big trees about
now," she said, and her eyes held a far-away wistfulness. "They are
chattering foolishly and delightfully about their summer adventures ...
and the dormitories are being allotted. There'll be several new English
readers, I guess."
"Does it hurt as badly as that?" he asked, and her answer was a low,
rather hysterical little laugh, coming nearer bitterness than anything
he had ever heard from her lips before.
"You've been here. You've seen it all. Haven't you stopped instinctively
often when you broke into a sudden laugh with a moldy feeling around
your heart as if you'd shouted out in church? Haven't you watched
yourself and stultified yourself in every conversation, except when we
were alone, to keep from treading on the toes of some inch-wide
prejudice?"
"I've felt those things, of course--all of them." His reply was grave.
"But then, you see, you've been here, and that made the whole thing
lyric. The rest was just a somber background. It only made you stand out
the more triumphantly in contrast. It's like a Sorolla picture hung
against gray."
"We don't stand out against dull backgrounds--not for long," she
declared. "We fade into them." But after a moment she wheeled with a
sudden impulsiveness and gazed contritely into his face.
"Forgive me," she pleaded. "It's shameful and petty and mean to wreak
all my protests against you. You've been splendid. I couldn't have borne
it without you."
Stuart Farquaharson's cheeks paled under an emotion so powerful that
instead of exciting him it carried a sense of being tremendously
sobered--yet shaken and tried to the limit of endurance.
"You've forbidden me to make love to you," he said desperately, "and I'm
trying to obey, but God knows, dear, there are times when--" He broke
off with an abrupt choke in his throat.
Then Conscience said in a changed and very gentle voice, "You wouldn't
have me until I could be utterly, unmistakably sure of myself, would
you?"
"No," he replied uncompromisingly, "the very intensity of my love would
make it hell for both of us unless you loved me--that way, too--but I
wish you were certain. I wish to God you were!"
Again she turned her eyes seaward, and when she spoke her voice was
impersonal, almost dead, so that he thought, with a deep misery, she was
trying to make it merciful in tempering her verdict.
"I am certain now," she told him, still looking away.
He came a step nearer and braced himself. He could forecast her words,
he thought--deep friendship but no more!
"Your mind is--definitely--made up?"
Very abruptly she wheeled, showing him a face transformed and
self-revealing. Against her ivory white cheeks her parted lips were
crimson and her eyes dilated and softly black. "I think I've known it
from the first," she declared, and her voice thrilled joyously. "Only I
didn't know that I knew."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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