For some days in this battlefield of insatiable grief and petty cruelty,
and with a dull pain steadily boring its way to recognition, Mr. Huss
forced himself to carry on in a fashion the complex of business
necessitated by the school disaster. Then in the night came a dream, as
dreams sometimes will, to enlighten him upon his bodily condition.
Projecting from his side he saw a hard, white body that sent round,
wormlike tentacles into every corner of his being. A number of doctors
were struggling to tear this thing away from him. At every effort the
pain increased.
He awoke, but the pain throbbed on.
He lay quite still. Upon the heavy darkness he saw the word “Cancer,”
bright red and glowing—as pain glows....
He argued in the face of invincible conviction. He kept the mood
conditional. “If it be so,” he said, though he knew that the thing was
so. What should he do? There would have to be operations, great
expenses, enfeeblement....
Whom could he ask for advice? Who would help him?...
Suppose in the morning he were to take a bathing ticket as if he meant
to bathe, and struggle out beyond the mud-flats. He could behave as
though cramp had taken him suddenly....
Five minutes of suffocation he would have to force himself through, and
then peace—endless peace!
“No,” he said, with a sudden gust of courage. “I will fight it out to
the end.”
But his mind was too dull to form plans and physically he was afraid. He
would have to find a doctor somehow, and even that little task appalled
him.
Then he would have to tell Mrs. Huss....
For a time he lay quite still as if he listened to the alternative swell
and diminuendo of his pain.
“Oh! if I had someone to help me!” he whispered, and was overcome by the
lonely misery of his position. “If I had someone!”
For years he had never wept, but now tears were wrung from him. He
rolled over and buried his face in the pillow and tried to wriggle his
body away from that steady gnawing; he fretted as a child might do.
The night about him was as it were a great watching presence that would
not help nor answer.
§ 3
Behind the brass plate at the corner which said “Dr. Elihu Barrack” Mr.
Huss found a hard, competent young man, who had returned from the war to
his practice at Sundering after losing a leg. The mechanical substitute
seemed to have taken to him very kindly. He appeared to be both modest
and resourceful; his unfavourable diagnosis was all the more convincing
because it was tentative and conditional. He knew the very specialist
for the case; no less a surgeon than Sir Alpheus Mengo came, it
happened, quite frequently to play golf on the Sundering links. It would
be easy to arrange for him to examine Mr. Huss in Dr. Barrack’s little
consulting room, and if an operation had to be performed it could be
managed with a minimum of expense in Mr. Huss’s own lodgings without any
extra charge for mileage and the like.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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