England -- Fiction; Mothers and daughters -- Fiction
There were good days sometimes, when Joan would get up in the morning
feeling restored after a peaceful night. Her troubles would seem vague
like a ship on a far horizon. Then the reaction would be exaggerated.
Elizabeth was not reassured by a boisterously happy Joan, and was never
surprised when a few hours would exhaust this blissful condition.
Something, usually a mere trifle, would crop up to suggest the old
Horror. Very quietly, as a rule, Joan's torments would begin, a
thought--flimsy as a bit of thistledown, would light for an instant in
her brain to be quickly brushed aside, but like thistledown it would
alight again and cling. Gradually it would become more concrete; now it
was not thistledown, it was a little stone, very cold and hard, that
pressed and was not so easy to brush aside. And the stone would grow
until it seemed to Joan to become a physical burden, crushing her under
an unendurable load, more horrible than ever now because of those hours
of respite.
Elizabeth coaxed and cajoled; she wanted at all hazards to stop Joan
from working. She let down the barrier of her calm aloofness and showed
a new aspect of herself to her pupil. She entreated, she begged, for it
seemed to her that things were becoming desperate. At last she played
her trump card, she played it suddenly without warning and without tact,
in a way that was characteristic of her in moments of deep feeling. One
day she closed her book, folded her hands and said:
"Joan! If you loved me you couldn't make me unhappy about you as you do.
Joan, don't you love me?"
For answer Joan fled from the room as if pursued by a fiend.
"Do I love her? Do I? Do I?" There it was again--this time for
Elizabeth. Did she love Elizabeth and was that why she did not love her
mother? Here was a new and fruitful source of self-analysis; if she
loved Elizabeth she could not love her mother, for one could not really
love more than one person at a time, at least Joan was sure that she
could not.
2
Alone in the schoolroom Elizabeth clasped her slim hands on her lap; she
sat very upright in her chair. Suddenly she rose to her feet; she knew
what was the matter with her pupil, she had had an illuminating thought
and meant to lose no time in acting upon it. She went upstairs and
knocked softly on the door of Colonel Ogden's bedroom. Mrs. Ogden opened
it; she looked surprised.
"May I speak to you for a moment, Mrs. Ogden?"
Mrs. Ogden glanced at the bed to make certain that this intrusion had
not wakened the sleeping patient, then she closed the door noiselessly
behind her and the two faced each other on the landing. Something in
Elizabeth's eyes startled her.
"Is anything wrong?" she faltered.
"I think we had better talk in the dining-room," was all that Elizabeth
would say.
They went into the dining-room and shut the door; neither of them sat
down.
"It's about Joan," Elizabeth began, "I'm worried about her."
"Why, is anything the matter?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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