The Upside-Down Captain By JIM HARMON _He knew the captain would be a monster. He knew the crew would be rough. He knew all about space travel--except the truth!_ [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Worlds of If Science Fiction, March 1960. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] I "Excuse me, please," Ben Starbuck said, tapping the junior officer on the epaulet. "Get away from me, scum," the lieutenant said conversationally, his eyes on the clipboard in his hands. Starbuck rocked back on his heels and set his spacebag down on the loading platform. He angled his head up at the spire of the inter-atmosphere ship, the _Gorgon_. This was only a sample of what he could expect once he canted into that hull. It would be rough. But he had made up his mind to take it. All tight little groups, like the crew of a spaceship, always resented the intrusion of a newcomer. The initiations sometimes made it a test to see whether a man would live over them, and the probation period, the time of discipline and deference to old members of the group could be a memorably nasty experience. He didn't have direct knowledge of such customs in the rather shadowy, enigmatic Space Service, but it was basic sociology. Starbuck knew he would have an even rougher time of it since he wasn't a spaceman--not even a cadet, properly. He was only a fledgling ethnologist on his field trip to gather material for his Master's thesis. The university and the government had arranged for his berth on the _Gorgon_. An exploration ship, he thought acidly. That meant he might come back in a few months, or ten years, or never. All because he had the bad luck to be born in a cultural cycle that demanded hard standards of education from professional men. Thirty years before or after, he could have cribbed all the information he needed out of a book. * * * * * He stood with his hands clasped behind him, waiting for the lieutenant or somebody to deign to notice him. Somebody would _have_ to pay some attention to him sooner or later. Or would they? Wouldn't it be just like the old timers to let him stand around and let the ship take off without him, all because he hadn't followed the proper procedure--a procedure he couldn't know? All he had been instructed to do was "report to the _Gorgon_." How do you report to a spaceship? Say, "Hello, spaceship?" Speak to the captain? The first mate? And where did he find them? Starbuck felt a moment of panic. He could see himself standing on the platform while the _Gorgon_ blasted off, carrying with it his Swabber's rating, his Master's degree and his future.