DEAR NELLIE,--I have just opened your letter, and you will know how my
whole heart goes out to you. I cannot understand it, I cannot realise
it; and I would give anything to be able to say a word that should
bring you any comfort or help. God keep and sustain you, as I know He
CAN sustain in these dark hours. I cannot write more to-day; but I send
you the letter that I was writing, when your own letter came. It helps
me even now to think that my dear Herbert told me himself--for that, I
see, was the purpose of my dim dream--what was befalling him. And I am
as sure as I can be of anything that he is with us, with you, still.
Dear friend, if I could only be with you now; but you will know that my
thoughts and prayers are with you every moment.--Ever your affectionate,
T. B.
[I add an extract from my Diary.--T. B.]
Diary, Jan. 15.--A week ago, while I was writing the above unfinished
lines, I received a letter to say that my friend Herbert was dead--he
to whom these letters have been written. It seems that he had been
getting, to all appearances, better; that he had had no renewed
threatenings of the complaint that had made him an exile. But, rising
from his chair in the course of the evening, he had cried out faintly;
put his hand to his breast; fallen back in his chair unconscious, and,
in a few minutes, had ceased to breathe. They say it was a sudden
heart-failure.
It is as though we had been watching by a burrow with all precaution
that some little hunted creature should not escape, and that, while we
watched and devised, it had slipped off by some other outlet the very
existence of which we had not suspected.
Of course, as far as he himself is concerned, such a death is simply a
piece of good fortune. If I could know that such would be the manner of
my own death, a real weight would be lifted from my mind. To die
quickly and suddenly, in all the activity of life, in comparative
tranquillity, with none of the hideous apparatus of the sick-room about
one, with no dreary waiting for death, that is a great joy. But for his
wife and his poor girls! To have had no last word, no conscious look
from one whose delicate consideration for others was so marked a part
of his nature, this is a terrible and stupefying misery.
I cannot, of course, even dimly realise what has happened; the
remoteness of it all, the knowledge that my own outer life is
absolutely unchanged, that the days will flow on as usual, makes it
trebly difficult to feel what has befallen me. I cannot think of him as
dead and silent; yet even before I heard the news, he was buried. I
cannot, of course, help feeling that the struggling spirit of my friend
tried to fling me, as it were, some last message; or that I suffered
with him, and shared his last conscious thought.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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