The Vegetable; or, From President to PostmanFitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
General
The Vegetable; or, From President to Postman
Fitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
American drama -- 20th century
DORIS. Yes, Charlotte, he was clean-cut, but that was all. I couldn’t
stand it, honestly I couldn’t. I never saw such a man, Charlotte. He
took the platinum sardine. When they go up in your room and steal your
six-dollar-an-ounce perfume, a girl’s got to let a man go.
CHARLOTTE. I should say she has. What did he say when you broke it off?
DORIS. He couldn’t say anything. He was too pie-eyed. I tied his ring on
a string, hung it around his neck and pushed him out the door.
JERRY. Who’s the new one?
DORIS. Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know much about him, but
I’ll tell you what I _do_ know from what information I could gather from
mutual friends, and so forth. He’s not quite so clean-cut as the first
one, but he’s got lots of other good qualities. He comes from the State
of Idaho, from a town named Fish.
JERRY. Fish? F-i-s-h?
DORIS. I think so. It was named after his uncle ... a Mr. Fish.
JERRY [_wittily_]. They’re a lot of Fish out there.
DORIS [_not comprehending_]. Well, these Fishes are very nice. They’ve
been mayor a couple of times and all that sort of thing, if you know
what I mean. His father’s in business up there now.
JERRY. What business?
DORIS. He’s in the funereal-parlor business.
JERRY [_indelicately_]. Oh, undertaker.
DORIS. [_She’s sensitive to the word._] Well, not exactly, but something
like that. A funereal parlor is a sort of--oh, a sort of a _good_
undertaking place, if you know what I mean. [_And now confidentially._]
As a matter of fact, that’s the part of the thing I don’t like. You see,
we may have to live out in Fish, right over his father’s place of
business.
JERRY. Why, that’s all right. Think how handy it’ll be if----
CHARLOTTE. Keep still, Jerry!
JERRY. Is he in the same business as his father?
DORIS. No. At least not now. He was for a while, but the business wasn’t
very good and now he says he’s through with it. His father’s bought him
an interest in one of the stores.
JERRY. A Fish store, eh?
_The two women look at him harshly._
CHARLOTTE [_wriggling her shoulders with enjoyment_]. Tell us more about
him.
DORIS. Well, he’s wonderful looking. And he dresses, well, not loud, you
know, but just _well_. And when anybody speaks to him he goes sort
of-- [_To express what Mr. Fish does when any one speaks to him, Doris
turns her profile sharply to the audience, her chin up, her eyes
half-closed in an expression of melancholy scorn._]
CHARLOTTE. I know--like Rudolph Valentine.
DORIS [_witheringly--do you blame her?_]. Valentino.
JERRY. What does it mean when he does that?
DORIS. I don’t know, just sort of--sort of passion.
JERRY. Passion!
DORIS. Emotion sort of. He’s very emotional. That’s one reason I didn’t
like the last fella I was engaged to. He wasn’t very emotional. He was
sort of an old cow most of the time. I’ve got to have somebody
emotional. You remember that place in the Sheik where the fella says:
“Must I play valet as well as lover?” That’s the sort of thing I like.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account