The Vegetable; or, From President to Postman — John Shaqi
The Vegetable; or, From President to PostmanFitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
General
The Vegetable; or, From President to Postman
Fitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
American drama -- 20th century
DADA. Too late for the world to end this afternoon. I must have missed
the date by two thousand years. [_Wringing his hands._] I shall destroy
myself!
_Dada tries to destroy himself. He produces a pistol, aims at
himself, and fires. He flounders down--but he has missed._
DORIS [_standing over him and shaking her finger_]. You miss
_ev_erything! I’m going to send for the lunatic-asylum wagon--if it’ll
_come_!
DADA [_shaking his finger back at her_]. Your parents brought you up
very unsuccessfully----
JUDGE FOSSILE. Silence! I will pronounce sentence of impeachment on this
enemy of mankind. Look upon him!
_They all look dourly at Jerry._
Now, gentlemen, the astronomers tell us that in the far heavens, near
the southern cross, there is a vast space called the hole in the sky,
where the most powerful telescope can discover no comet nor planet nor
star nor sun.
_They all look very cold and depressed. Jerry shivers. Fish picks
up Dada’s abandoned telescope and begins an eager examination of
the firmament._
In that dreary, cold, dark region of space the Great Author of Celestial
Mechanism has left the chaos which was in the beginning. If the earth
beneath my feet were capable of expressing its emotions it would, with
the energy of nature’s elemental forces, heave, throw, and project this
enemy of mankind into that vast region, there forever to exist in a
solitude as eternal as--as eternity.
_When he finishes a funereal silence falls._
JERRY [_his voice shaken with grief_]. Well, Judge, all I’ve got to say
is that no matter what you’d done I wouldn’t want to do all those things
to you.
JUDGE FOSSILE [_thunderously_]. Have you anything more to say?
JERRY [_rising through his defeat to a sort of eloquent defiance_]. Yes.
I want to tell you all something. I don’t want to be President. [_A
murmur of surprise._] I never asked to be President. Why--why, I don’t
even know how in hell I ever _got_ to be President!
GENERAL PUSHING [_in horror_]. Do you mean to say that there’s one
American citizen who does not desire the sacred duty of being President?
Sir, may I ask, then, just what you do want?
JERRY [_wildly_]. Yes! I want to be left alone.
_Outside the wall Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band strikes up
“The Bee’s Knees.” The Senators arise respectfully and remove their
hats, and General Pushing, drawing his sword, stands at the
salute._
_Four husky baggage smashers stagger out of the White House with
the trunks of the Frost family, and hurry with them through the
gate. Half a dozen assorted suitcases are flung after the trunks._
_The music continues to play, the Senators continue to stand. The
Frost family gaze at their departing luggage, each under the spell
of a different emotion._
_Charlotte is the first to pick up her grip. As she turns to the
Senators, the music sinks to pianissimo, so her words are
distinctly audible._
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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