The Vegetable; or, From President to PostmanFitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
General
The Vegetable; or, From President to Postman
Fitzgerald, F. Scott (Francis Scott)
American drama -- 20th century
THE VOICE. [_It’s Charlotte’s. You’d scarcely have recognized it._] I’ll
come down.
DORIS. Heard anything from Jerry?
CHARLOTTE. Not a word.
_Doris regards herself silently, but with interest, in a small
mirror on the wall. In comes Charlotte--and oh, how changed from
herself of last week. Her nose and eyes are red from weeping. She’s
chastened and depressed._
DORIS [_with cheerful pessimism_]. Haven’t heard a word, eh?
CHARLOTTE [_lugubriously_]. No. Not one.
DORIS [_impressed in spite of herself_]. Son of a gun! And he sneaked
away a week ago to-night.
CHARLOTTE. It was that awful liquor, I _know_. He sat up all night and
in the morning he was gone.
DORIS. It’s the funniest thing I ever heard of, his sneaking off this
way.... Say, Charlotte, I’ve been meaning to say something to you for a
couple of days, but I didn’t want to get you depressed.
CHARLOTTE. How could I possibly be any more depressed than I am?
DORIS. Well, I just wanted to ask you if you’d tried the morgue yet.
[_Charlotte gives a little scream._] Wait a minute. Get control of
yourself. I simply think you ought to _try_ it. If he’s anywhere you
ought to locate him.
CHARLOTTE [_wildly_]. Oh, he’s not dead! He’s not dead!
DORIS. I didn’t say he was, did I? I didn’t say he was. But when a fella
wanders out tight after drinking some of this stuff, you can’t tell
_where_ you’ll find him. Let me tell you, Charlotte, I’ve had more
experience with this sort of thing than you have.
CHARLOTTE. The detective is coming to report this morning.
DORIS. Has he been combing the dives? You ought to have him comb the
dives, Charlotte. I saw a picture last week that ought to be a lesson to
any woman that loses her husband in a funny way like this. The woman in
this picture lost her husband and she just combed the dives and--there
he was.
CHARLOTTE [_suspiciously_]. What was he doing?
DORIS. Some vampire was sitting on his lap in a café. [_Charlotte
moans._] But it does show that if you do have the dives combed, you can
find ’em. That’s what this woman did.... There’s where most men go when
they wander out like that.
CHARLOTTE. Oh, no, Jerry wouldn’t go to the dives, or the--the morgue,
either. He’s never drank or done anything like that till that night.
He’s always been so mild and patient.
_This is a new note from Charlotte._
DORIS [_after a thoughtful pause_]. Maybe he’s gone to Hollywood to go
in the movies. They say a lot of lost men turn up there.
CHARLOTTE [_brokenly_]. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m
re-responsible. He said that night he might have been P-President if it
hadn’t been for me. He’d just been analyzed, and they found he was
per-perfect.
DORIS. Well, with no reflections on the dead or anything like that,
Charlotte, he wasn’t so wonderful as you make out. You can take it from
me, he never would have been anything more than a postman if you hadn’t
made him be a railroad clerk.... I’d have the dives combed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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