but joined to his affliction was a crazy dread of his fellows. He would
not leave his moorland home, but must bear his burden alone among the
wild streams and mosses of that dismal place.
The Twelfth came, and he shot wretchedly, for his nerve had gone to
pieces. He stood exhaustion badly, and became a dweller about the doors.
But with this bodily inertness came an extraordinary intellectual
revival. He read widely in a blundering way, and he speculated
unceasingly. It was characteristic of the man that, as soon as he left
the paths of the prosaic, he should seek his supernatural in a very
concrete form. He assumed that he was haunted by the Devil--the visible,
personal Devil in whom our fathers believed. He waited hourly for the
shape at his side to speak, but no words came. The Accuser of the
Brethren in all but tangible form was his ever-present companion. He
felt, he declared, the spirit of old evil entering subtly into his
blood. He sold his soul many times over, and yet there was no
possibility of resistance. It was a Visitation more undeserved than
Job's, and a thousandfold more awful.
For a week or more he was tortured with a kind of religious mania. When
a man of a healthy, secular mind finds himself adrift on the terrible
ocean of religious troubles, he is peculiarly helpless, for he has not
the most rudimentary knowledge of the winds and tides. It was useless to
call up his old carelessness; he had suddenly dropped into a new world
where old proverbs did not apply. And all the while, mind you, there was
the shrieking terror of it--an intellect all alive to the torture and
the most unceasing physical fear. For a little he was on the near edge
of idiocy.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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