The Water Goats, and Other TroublesButler, Ellis Parker
General
The Water Goats, and Other Troubles
Butler, Ellis Parker
Fiction; Humorous stories; Short stories, American
“'Twill be hard times for Toole, too,” said the little alderman, and
they walked on without speaking until Fagan reached his gate.
“Well, anny how,” he said with cheerful philosophy, “'tis better t'
be us than to be thim dongola water goats--dead or alive. 'Tis not
too often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan of thim spongy-hided
dongolas an' had t' be varnished each time I got in me bath tub, I would
stop bathin' for good an' all.”
He looked toward the house.
“I'll not worry,” he said. “Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job is gone,
but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was wastin' his time
varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat.”
II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS
On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home at
Westcote very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thief
in the night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In two minutes he was
asleep, and it was no wonder, for by that time it was five minutes after
three in the morning, and Mr. Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock.
Even when he was delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to
catch the nine o'clock train home.
When Mrs. Billings awoke the next--or, rather, that same--morning, she
gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her husband, and was in
the satisfied frame of mind that takes an unexpected train delay as
a legitimate excuse, when she happened to cast her eyes upon Mr.
Billings's coat, which was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed.
Protruding from one of the side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle,
half full of milk. Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching
Mr. Billings's other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful.
In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, such as
ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of their own, and
these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, when she dived into
his trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully wrapped in a
lady's handkerchief, with the initials “T. M. C.” embroidered in one
corner.
All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau drawer and
proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he yawned,
stretched, and then, realizing that getting-up time had arrived, hopped
briskly out of bed.
“You got in late last night,” said Mrs. Billings pleasantly.
If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was mistaken.
He continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he had a clear
conscience.
“Indeed I did, Mary,” he said. “It was three when I entered the house,
for the clock was just striking.”
“Something must have delayed you,” suggested Mrs. Billings.
“Otherwise, dear,” said Mr. Billings, “I should have been home much
sooner.
“Probably,” said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most sarcastic
tone, as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew out the patent
nursing-bottle, “this had something to do with your being delayed!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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