Much has been written about the power of the mind to reproduce minute
details of a scene that has served as the setting for some great
emotion; the pattern of a table-cover or a rug, the flowers in a vase,
the titles of the books, the strain of music being played in the next
room—all stand out, separate and distinct, indelibly imprinted upon the
memory. There is another variety of the same phenomena, seldom commented
on, where an entirely unreal impression of the scene as a whole is left
on the mind by one or two details. To Dosia, sitting there by the little
plot of tulips, the sun was the brilliant sun of July, and those scarlet
tulips a garden wide and far-reaching, an endless vista of flowers, the
blue sky an endless vault above her—high noon and midsummer, with that
sweet-scented warmth at the busy heart of things, a circle of infinite
life humming in the low grasses, in the almost windless, hardly stirring
air. Warmth and color and life, at high noon, listening close to the
heart of things.
And Dosia! She had never supposed that any girl could care for a man
until he had shown that he cared for her—it was the unmaidenly,
impossible thing. And now—how beautiful he was, how dear! A wistful
smile trembled around her lips. All that had gone before with other men
suddenly became as nothing, forgotten and out of mind, and she herself
made clean by this purifying fire. Even if she never had anything more
in her whole life, she had this—even if she never had anything more.
Yet what had she? Nothing and less than nothing. If he had ever thought
of her, if he had ever dreamed of her, if her soft, frightened hand
trustfully clinging fast to his, only to be comforted by his touch, had
been a sign and a symbol to him of some dearer trust and faith for him
alone—if in some way, as she dimly visioned it, the thought had once
been his, it had gone long ago. Every action showed it. And yet, and
yet—so unconquerably does the soul speak that, though he might deny her
attraction for him, she knew that she had it. It was something to which
he might never give way, but it was unalterably there—as it was
unalterably there with her. All that year at home, when she believed she
had not been thinking of him, she really had been thinking of him. We
learn to know each other sometimes in long absences. She began to
perceive in him now a humility and a pride strangely at variance with
each other, and both equally at variance with the bright assurance of
his outer manner. He gave to everyone; he would work early and late for
others, in his yearning sympathy and affection: yet he himself, from the
very intenseness of his desire for it, stood aloof, and drew back from
the insistence of any claim for himself. They might meet a hundred times
and grow no closer; they might grow farther and farther away.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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