American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
In the midst of her preparations for breakfast, Madeline abruptly
assumed her hat and shawl, and was seen from the window, walking
leisurely across the fields in the direction of the woods. She returned
in due time, bearing an armful of fresh evergreens, which she twisted
around the family register.
When the ancient couple made their appearance, I remarked silently, in
regard to Grandma Keeler's hair, what proved afterward to be its usual
holiday morning arrangement. It was confined in six infinitesimal braids
which appeared to be sprouting out, perpendicularly, in all directions
from her head. The effect of redundancy and expansiveness thus
heightened and increased on Grandma's features was striking in the
extreme.
While we were eating breakfast, that good soul observed to Grandpa
Keeler: "Wall, pa, I suppose you'll be all ready when the time comes to
take teacher and me over to West Wallen to Sunday-school, won't ye?"
Grandpa coughed, and coughed again, and raised his eyes helplessly to
the window.
"Looks some like showers," said he. "A-hem! a-hem! Looks mightily to me
like showers, over yonder."
"Thar', r'aly, husband! I must say I feel mortified for ye," said
Grandma. "Seein' as you're a perfessor, too, and thar' ain't been a
single Sunday mornin' since I've lived with ye, pa, summer or winter,
but what you've seen showers, and it r'aly seems to me it's dreadful
inconsistent when thar' ain't no cloud in the sky, and don't look no
more like rain than I do." And Grandma's face, in spite of her
reproachful tones, was, above all, blandly sunlike and expressive of
anything rather than deluge and watery disaster.
Grandpa was silent a little while, then coughed again. I had never seen
Grandpa in worse straits.
"A-hem! a-hem! 'Fanny' seems to be a little lame, this mornin'," said
he. "I shouldn't wonder. She's been goin' pretty stiddy this week."
"It does beat all, pa," continued Grandma Keeler, "how 't all the horses
you've ever had since I've known ye have always been took lame Sunday
mornin'. Thar' was 'Happy Jack,' he could go anywhers through the week,
and never limp a step, as nobody could see, and Sunday mornin' he was
always took lame! And thar' was 'Tantrum'--"
"Tantrum" was the horse that had run away with Grandma when she was
thrown from the wagon, and generally smashed to pieces. And now, Grandma
branched off into the thrilling reminiscences connected with this
incident of her life, which was the third time during the week that the
horrible tale had been repeated for my delectation.
When she had finished, Grandpa shook his head with painful earnestness,
reverting to the former subject of discussion.
"It's a long jaunt!" said he; "a long jaunt!"
"Thar's a long hill to climb before we reach Zion's mount," said Grandma
Keeler, impressively.
"Wall, there's a darned sight harder one on the road to West Wallen!"
burst out the old sea-captain desperately; "say nothin' about the
devilish stones!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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