GUEST--So glad you have a pleasant evening. I am sure to have a bad night whenever I entertain-- HOSTESS--(_to another guest_)--So delightful of you to come! GUEST--Such a perfect evening! I'm _so_ glad. I said as we started out, "Now, this time, Mrs. Smythe can't help but have plenty of people. Whenever I entertain, it's sure to--" (_More guests._) (_Telegram arrives, announcing that the prima donna has a sore throat, and will be unable to come. Time passes._) MALE GUEST (_to another_)--Well, I wish to heaven, something would be doing soon. This is the deadest affair I was ever up against. OMNIPRESENT JOKER (_greeting acquaintance_)--Hello, old man!--going to sing to-night? ACQUAINTANCE--Oh, yes, going to sing a solo. JOKER--So low you can't hear it? Ha, ha! (_Guests near by groan._) VOICE (_overheard_)--Madame Cully? My dear, she always tells you that you haven't half enough material, and makes you get yards more. Besides, she never sends your pieces back, though I have-- FAT OLD LADY (_to neighbor_)--I never was so warm in my life! I can't imagine why people invite you, just to make you uncomfortable. Now, when I entertain, I have the windows open for hours before any one comes. JOKER (_aside_)--That's why she always has a frost! Ha, ha! (HOST _enters, showing traces of hasty toilette--face red, and a razor-cut on chin._) HOST (_rubbing his hands, and endeavoring to appear at ease and facetious_)--Well, how d'ye do, everybody! Sorry to be late on such an auspicious-- JOKER (_interrupting_)--Suspicious! Ha, ha! HOST--occasion. I hope you are all enjoying yourselves. CHORUS OF GUESTS--Yes, indeed! HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 'sh! I have a great disappointment for you all. Here is a telegram from my _best_ singer, saying she is sick, and can't come. Now, we will have the pleasure of listening to Miss Jackson. Miss Jackson is a pupil of Madame Parcheesi, of Paris. (_Singer whispers to her._) Oh, I beg your pardon! It's Madame _Mar_cheesi. DEAF OLD GENTLEMAN (_seated by piano, talking to pretty girl_)--I'd rather listen to you than hear this caterwauling. (Old Gentleman _is dragged into corner and silenced._) YOUNG WOMAN (_singing_)--"Why do I sing? I know not, I know not! I can not help but sing. Oh, why do I sing?" (_Guests moan softly and demand of one another_, Why does she sing?) WOMAN GUEST (_to another_)--Isn't that just the way?--their relatives are always dying, and it's sure to be wash-day or just when you expect company to dinner, and off they go to the funeral-- (Butler _appears with trayful of punch-glasses._) MALE GUEST (_to another_)--Thank the Lord! here's relief in sight. Let's drown our troubles. THE OTHER--It's evident you haven't sampled the Smythes' punch before. I tell you it's a crime to spoil a thirst with this stuff. Well, here's how. WOMAN GUEST (_to neighbor_)--I never saw Mrs. Smythe looking quite so hideous and atrociously vulgar before, did you? NEIGHBOR--Never! Why did we come?