VOICE (_overheard_)--The one in the white-lace gown and all those diamonds? ANOTHER VOICE--Yes. Well, you know it was common talk that before he married her-- HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 'sh! Signor Padrella has offered to play some of his own compositions, but I thought you would all rather hear something familiar by one of the real composers--Rubens or Chopin--Chopinhauer, I think-- (Pianist _plunges wildly into something._) VOICE (_during a lull in the music_)--First, you brown an onion in the pan, then you chop the cabbage-- GUEST (_in the dressing-room, just arriving, to another_)--Yes, we are awfully late, too, but I always say you never can be too late at one of the Smythes' horrors. THIN YOUNG WOMAN (_in limp pink gown and string of huge pearls, who has come to recite_)--I'm awfully nervous, and I do believe I'm getting hoarse. Mama, you didn't forget the lemon juice and sugar? (_Drinks from bottle._) Now, where are my bronchial troches? Don't you think I could stand just a little more rouge? I think it's a shame I'm not going to have footlights. Remember, you are not to prompt me, unless I look at you. You will get me all mixed up, if you do. (_They descend._) HOSTESS (_to elocutionist_)--Why, I thought you were never coming! I wanted you to fill in while people were taking their seats. The guests always make so much noise, and the singers hate it. Now, what did you say you would require--an egg-beater and a turnip, wasn't it? Oh, no! That's for the young man who is going to do the tricks. I remember. Are you all ready? ELOCUTIONIST (_in a trembling voice_)--Ye-es. HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 'sh! ELOCUTIONIST--_Aux Italiens._ "At Paris it was, at the opera there, And she looked like--" GUEST (_to another_)--Thirty cents, old chap! I tell you, there's nothing will knock you out quicker than-- HOSTESS--'Sh, 'sh, 'sh! (_Young woman finishes, and retires amidst subdued applause. Reappears immediately and gives "The Maniac."_) HOSTESS--As I have been disappointed in my best talent for this evening, Mr. Briggs has kindly consented to do some of his parlor-magic tricks. (Mr. Briggs _steps forward, a large, florid young man, wearing a "made" dress-tie, the buckle of which crawls up the back of his collar._) BRIGGS--Now, ladies and gentlemen, I shall have to ask you all to move to the other side of the room. (_This is accomplished with muttered uncomplimentary remarks concerning the magician._) BRIGGS (_to Hostess_)--I must have the piano pushed to the further end. I must have plenty of space. (_All the men guests are pressed into service, and, with much difficulty the piano is moved._) BRIGGS--Now, I want four large screens. HOSTESS (_faintly_)--But I have only two! BRIGGS--Well, then, get me a clothes-horse and a couple of sheets. POOR RELATIVE--You know, Sarah, I used the last two when I made up my bed in the children's nursery yesterday. I can easily get--