American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
When he saw the oats he almost smiled; this pleased and amused him. I
emptied them into the trough, and left him above me to admire the way I
parted my hair behind. I just got my head up in time to save the whole
of it. He had his ears back, his mouth open, and looked as if he were on
the point of committing murder. I went out and filled the measure again,
and climbed up the side of the stall and emptied it on top of him. He
brought his head up so suddenly at this that I immediately got down,
letting go of everything to do it. I struck on the sharp edge of a
barrel, rolled over a couple of times, then disappeared under a
hay-cutter. The peck measure went down on the other side, and got
mysteriously tangled up in that animal's heels, and he went to work at
it, and then ensued the most dreadful noise I ever heard in all my life,
and I have been married eighteen years.
It did seem as if I never would get out from under that hay-cutter; and
all the while I was struggling and wrenching myself and the cutter
apart, that awful beast was kicking around in the stall, and making the
most appalling sound imaginable.
When I got out I found Mrs. Perkins at the door. She had heard the
racket, and had sped out to the stable, her only thought being of me and
three stove-lids which she had under her arm, and one of which she was
about to fire at the beast.
This made me mad.
"Go away, you unfortunate idiot!" I shouted: "do you want to knock my
brains out?" For I remembered seeing Mrs. Perkins sling a missile once
before, and that I nearly lost an eye by the operation, although
standing on the other side of the house at the time.
She retired at once. And at the same time the animal quieted down, but
there was nothing left of that peck measure, not even the maker's name.
I followed Mrs. Perkins into the house, and had her do me up, and then I
sat down in a chair and fell into a profound strain of meditation. After
a while I felt better, and went out to the stable again. The horse was
leaning against the stable stall, with eyes half closed, and appeared to
be very much engrossed in thought.
"Step off to the left," I said, rubbing his back.
He didn't step. I got the pitchfork and punched him in the leg with the
handle. He immediately raised up both hind legs at once, and that fork
flew out of my hands, and went rattling up against the timbers above,
and came down again in an instant, the end of the handle rapping me with
such force on the top of the head that I sat right down on the floor
under the impression that I was standing in front of a drug-store in the
evening. I went back to the house and got some more stuff on me. But I
couldn't keep away from that stable. I went out there again. The thought
struck me that what the horse wanted was exercise. If that thought had
been an empty glycerin-can, it would have saved a windfall of luck for
me.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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