American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
Doubtless friendship has its advantages and its pleasures; doubtless
hostility has its isolations and its revenges; still, if called upon to
choose once for all between friends and foes, I think, on the whole, I
should cast my vote for the foes. Twenty enemies will not do you the
mischief of one friend. Enemies you always know where to find. They are
in fair and square perpetual hostility, and you keep your armor on and
your sentinels posted; but with friends you are inveigled into a false
security, and, before you know it, your honor, your modesty, your
delicacy are scudding before the gales. Moreover, with your friend you
can never make reprisals. If your enemy attacks you, you can always
strike back and hit hard. You are expected to defend yourself against
him to the top of your bent. He is your legal opponent in honorable
warfare. You can pour hot-shot into him with murderous vigor; and the
more he writhes, the better you feel. In fact, it is rather refreshing
to measure swords once in a while with such a one. You like to exert
your power and keep yourself in practice. You do not rejoice so much in
overcoming your enemy as in overcoming. If a marble statue could show
fight you would just as soon fight it; but as it can not, you take
something that can, and something, besides, that has had the temerity to
attack you, and so has made a lawful target of itself. But against your
friend your hands are tied. He has injured you. He has disgusted you. He
has infuriated you. But it was most Christianly done. You can not hurl a
thunderbolt, or pull a trigger, or lisp a syllable against those amiable
monsters who, with tenderest fingers, are sticking pins all over you. So
you shut fast the doors of your lips, and inwardly sigh for a good,
stout, brawny, malignant foe, who, under any and every circumstance,
will design you harm, and on whom you can lavish your lusty blows with a
hearty will and a clear conscience.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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