Produced by Suzanne Lybarger, Annie McGuire, Brian Janes and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Library Edition THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA In Ten Volumes VOL. IX [Illustration: EDGAR WILSON NYE (BILL NYE) Drawing from photo, copyright by Rockwood] THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER _Volume IX_ Funk & Wagnalls Company New York and London Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY CONTENTS PAGE Ballade of Ping-Pong, A Alden Charles Noble 1690 Boat that Ain't, The Wallace Irwin 1764 Budge and Toddie John Habberton 1692 Cavalier's Valentine, A Clinton Scollard 1782 Conscientious Curate and the Beauteous Ballet Girl, The William Russell Rose 1756 Country School, The Anonymous 1734 Evan Anderson's Poker Party Benjamin Stevenson 1737 Experiences of Gentle Jane, The Carolyn Wells 1797 Few Reflections, A Bill Arp 1799 Great Celebrator, A Bill Nye 1784 Gusher, The Charles Battell Loomis 1656 He Wanted to Know Sam Walter Foss 1794 Hoss, The James Whitcomb Riley 1759 How I Spoke the Word Frank L. Stanton 1725 How Jimaboy Found Himself Francis Lynde 1765 How the Money Goes John G. Saxe 1780 "Hullo!" Sam Walter Foss 1706 Lugubrious Whing-Whang, The James Whitcomb Riley 1669 Millionaires, The Max Adeler 1675 Mystery of Gilgal, The Hay 1654 Natural Philosophy William Henry Drummond 1722 Nine Little Goblins, The James Whitcomb Riley 1635 Old-Fashioned Choir, The Benjamin F. Taylor 1790 Our Polite Parents Carolyn Wells 1688 Our Very Wishes Harriet Prescott Spofford 1637 Reflective Retrospect, A John G. Saxe 1703 Rule of Three, A Wallace Rice 1779 Runaway Toys, The Frank L. Stanton 1671 Soldier, Rest! Robert J. Burdette 1796 Tale of the Tangled Telegram, The Wilbur D. Nesbit 1709 Threnody, A George Thomas Lanigan 1754 Tim Flannigan's Mistake Wallace Bruce Amsbary 1673