E is for Edison, making believe He's invented a clever contrivance for Eve, Who complained that she never could laugh in her sleeve. O is for Oliver, casting aspersion On Omar, that awfully dissolute Persian, Though secretly longing to join the diversion. R's Rubenstein, playing that old thing in F To Rollo and Rembrandt, who wish they were deaf. S is for Swinburne, who, seeking the true, The good, and the beautiful, visits the Zoo, Where he chances on Sappho and Mr. Sardou, And Socrates, all with the same end in view. W's Wagner, who sang and played lots, For Washington, Wesley and good Dr. Watts; His prurient plots pained Wesley and Watts, But Washington said he "enjoyed them in spots." NONSENSE VERSES BY GELETT BURGESS 1 The Window has Four little Panes: But One have I; The Window-Panes are in its sash,-- I wonder why! 2 My Feet they haul me 'round the House; They hoist me up the Stairs; I only have to steer them and They ride me everywheres. 3 Remarkable truly, is Art! See--Elliptical wheels on a Cart! It looks very fair In the Picture up there; But imagine the Ride when you start! 4 I'd rather have fingers than Toes; I'd rather have Ears than a Nose And as for my hair, I'm glad it's all there, I'll be awfully sad when it goes! 5 I wish that my Room had a floor; I don't so much care for a Door, But this walking around Without touching the ground Is getting to be quite a bore! THE SIEGE OF DJKLXPRWBZ BY IRONQUILL Before a Turkish town The Russians came, And with huge cannon Did bombard the same. They got up close And rained fat bombshells down, And blew out every Vowel in the town. And then the Turks, Becoming somewhat sad, Surrendered every Consonant they had. THE GOAT BY R.K. MUNKITTRICK Down in the cellar dark, remote, Where alien cats the larder note, In solemn grandeur stands the goat. Without he hears the winter storm, And while the drafts about him swarm, He eats the coal to keep him warm. IN DEFENSE OF AN OFFERING BY SEWELL FORD Gracious! You're not going to smoke again? I do believe, my dear, that you're getting to be a regular, etc., etc. (Voice from across the reading table.)