American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
Sir, the great conflict now raging in the Old World has presented a
phenomenon in military science unprecedented in the annals of mankind--a
phenomenon that has reversed all the traditions of the past as it has
disappointed all the expectations of the present. A great and warlike
people, renowned alike for their skill and valor, have been swept away
before the triumphant advance of an inferior foe, like autumn stubble
before a hurricane of fire. For aught I know, the next flash of electric
fire that shimmers along the ocean cable may tell us that Paris, with
every fibre quivering with the agony of impotent despair, writhes
beneath the conquering heel of her loathed invader. Ere another moon
shall wax and wane the brightest star in the galaxy of nations may fall
from the zenith of her glory never to rise again. Ere the modest violets
of early spring shall ope their beauteous eyes, the genius of
civilization may chant the wailing requiem of the proudest nationality
the world has ever seen, as she scatters her withered and tear-moistened
lilies o'er the bloody tomb of butchered France. But, sir, I wish to ask
if you honestly and candidly believe that the Dutch would have ever
overrun the French in that kind of style if General Sheridan had not
gone over there and told King William and Von Moltke how he had managed
to whip the Piegan Indians. (Great laughter.)
And here, sir, recurring to this map, I find in the immediate vicinity
of the Piegans "vast herds of buffalo" and "immense fields of rich wheat
lands."
(Here the hammer fell.)
(Many cries: "Go on!" "Go on!")
The Speaker. Is there objection to the gentleman from Kentucky
continuing his remarks? The Chair hears none. The gentleman will
proceed.
Mr. Knott. I was remarking, sir, upon these vast "wheat fields"
represented on this map as in the immediate neighborhood of the
buffaloes and the Piegans, and was about to say that the idea of there
being these immense wheat fields in the very heart of a wilderness,
hundreds and hundreds of miles beyond the utmost verge of civilization,
may appear to some gentlemen as rather incongruous, as rather too great
a strain on the "blankets" of veracity. But to my mind there is no
difficulty in the matter whatever. The phenomenon is very easily
accounted for. It is evident, sir, that the Piegans sowed that wheat
there and plowed it with buffalo bulls. (Great laughter.) Now, sir, this
fortunate combination of buffaloes and Piegans, considering their
relative positions to each other and to Duluth, as they are arranged on
this map, satisfies me that Duluth is destined to be the beef market of
the world.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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