In a whirl of strong feeling I advanced to take it. I had not counted on such a
reception. I had not expected any bond of congeniality to spring up between
this high-feeling English girl and myself to make my purpose hateful to me.
Yet, as I stood there looking down at her bright if wasted face, I felt that it
would be very easy to love so gentle and cordial a being, and dreaded raising
my eyes to the gentleman at my side lest I should see something in him to
hamper me, and make this attempt, which I had undertaken in such loyalty of
spirit, a misery to myself and ineffectual to the man I had hoped to save by
it. When I did look up and catch the first beams of Mr. Grey’s keen blue eyes
fixed inquiringly on me, I neither knew what to think nor how to act. He was
tall and firmly knit, and had an intellectual aspect altogether. I was
conscious of regarding him with a decided feeling of awe, and found myself
forgetting why I had come there, and what my suspicions were,—suspicions
which had carried hope with them, hope for myself and hope for my lover, who
would never escape the opprobrium, even if he did the punishment, of this great
crime, were this, the only other person who could possibly be associated with
it, found to be the fine, clear-souled man he appeared to be in this my first
interview with him.
Perceiving very soon that his apprehensions in my regard were limited to a fear
lest I should not feel at ease in my new home under the restraint of a presence
more accustomed to intimidate than attract strangers, I threw aside all doubts
of myself and met the advances of both father and daughter with that quiet
confidence which my position there demanded.
The result both gratified and grieved me. As a nurse entering on her first case
I was happy; as a woman with an ulterior object in view verging on the
audacious and unspeakable, I was wretched and regretful and just a little
shaken in the conviction which had hitherto upheld me.
I was therefore but poorly prepared to meet the ordeal which awaited me, when,
a little later in the day, Mr. Grey called me into the adjoining room, and,
after saying that it would afford him great relief to go out for an hour or so,
asked if I were afraid to be left alone with my patient.
“O no, sir—” I began, but stopped in secret dismay. I was afraid, but not
on account of her condition; rather on account of my own. What if I should be
led into betraying my feelings on finding myself under no other eye than her
own! What if the temptation to probe her poor sick mind should prove stronger
than my duty toward her as a nurse!
My tones were hesitating but Mr. Grey paid little heed; his mind was too fixed
on what he wished to say himself.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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