PERSONS IN THE FARCE. MEN. _Luckless_, the Author and Master of the Show, ... Mr MULLART. _Witmore_, his friend ... Mr LACY. _Marplay, sen._, Comedian ... Mr REYNOLDS, _Marplay, jun._, Comedian ... Mr STOPLER. _Bookweight_, a Bookseller ... Mr JONES. _Scarecrow_, Scribbler ... Mr MARSHAL, _Dash_, " " ... Mr HALLAM, _Quibble_, " " ... Mr DOVE, _Blotpage_, " " ... Mr WELLS, jun. _Index_ ... --------. _Jack_, servant to Luckless ... Mr ACHURCH. _Jack-Pudding_ ... Mr REYNOLDS. _Bantomite_ ... Mr MARSHAL. WOMEN. _Mrs Moneywood_, the Author's Landlady ... Mrs MULLART. _Harriot_, her daughter. ... Miss PALMS. ACT I. SCENE I.--LUCKLESS's _Room in_ Mrs MONEYWOOD'S _House_.--Mrs MONEYWOOD, HARRIOT, LUCKLESS. _Moneywood_. Never tell me, Mr Luckless, of your play, and your play. I tell you I must be paid. I would no more depend on a benefit-night of an unacted play than I would on a benefit-ticket in an undrawn lottery. Could I have guessed that I had a poet in my house! Could I have looked for a poet under laced clothes! _Luck_. Why not? since you may often find poverty under them: nay, they are commonly the signs of it. And, therefore, why may not a poet be seen in them as well as a courtier? _Money_. Do you make a jest of my misfortune, sir? _Luck_. Rather my misfortune. I am sure I have a better title to poverty than you; for, notwithstanding the handsome figure I make, unless you are so good to invite me, I am afraid I shall scarce prevail on my stomach to dine to-day. _Money_. Oh, never fear that--you will never want a dinner till you have dined at all the eating-houses round.--No one shuts their doors against you the first time; and I think you are so kind, seldom to trouble them a second. _Luck_. No.--And if you will give me leave to walk out of your doors, the devil take me if ever I come into 'em again, _Money_. Pay me, sir, what you owe me, and walk away whenever you please. _Luck_. With all my heart, madam; get me a pen and ink, and I'll give you my note for it immediately. _Money_. Your note! who will discount it? Not your bookseller; for he has as many of your notes as he has of your works; both good lasting ware, and which are never likely to go out of his shop and his scrutore. _Har_. Nay, but, madam, 'tis barbarous to insult him in this manner. _Money_. No doubt you'll take his part. Pray get you about your business. I suppose he intends to pay me by ruining you. Get you in this instant: and remember, if ever I see you with him again I'll turn you out of doors. SCENE II--LUCKLESS, Mrs MONEYWOOD