_Trap_. Sir, I'll sooner cut off an ear or two: sir, that's the very best thing in the whole play. Come, enter the colonel and Miss ------ married. _Sneer_. Upon my word, they have been very expeditious. _Trap_. Yes, sir; the parson understands his business, he has plyed several years at the Fleet. _Enter_ Col. PROMISE and Miss Mayoress. _Col. and Miss (kneeling)_. Sir, and madam, your blessing. _Mrs M_. and May. Ha! _Col_. Your daughter, sir and madam, has made me the happiest of mankind. _Mrs M_. Colonel, you know you might have had my consent; why did you choose to marry without it? However, I give you both my blessing. _May_. And so do I. _Place_. Then call my brother candidates; we will spend this night in feast and merriment. _Fust_. What has made these two parties so suddenly friends, Mr Trapwit? _Trap_. What? why the marriage, sir; the usual reconciler at the end of a comedy. I would not have concluded without every person on the stage for the world. _Place_. Well, colonel, I see you are setting out for life, and so I wish you a good journey. And you, gallants, from what you've seen to-night, If you are wrong, may set your judgments right; Nor, like our misses, about bribing quarrel, When better herring is in neither barrel. [_Manent_ FUST, TRAP _and_ SNEER.] _Trap_. Thus ends my play, sir. _Fust_. Pray, Mr Trapwit, how has the former part of it conduced to this marriage? _Trap_. Why, sir, do you think the colonel would ever have had her but on the prospect her father has from this election? _Sneer_. Ay, or to strengthen his interest with the returning officer? _Trap_. Ay, sir, I was just going to say so. _Sneer_. But where's your epilogue? _Trap_. Faith, sir, I can't tell what I shall do for an epilogue. _Sneer_. What I have you writ none? _Trap_. Yes, faith, I have writ one, but---- _Sneer_. But what? _Trap_. Faith, sir, I can get no one to speak it; the actresses are so damn'd difficult to please. When first I writ it they would not speak it, because there were not double-entendres enough in it; upon which I went to Mr Watt's and borrowed all his plays; went home, read over all the epilogues, and crammed it as full as possible; and now, forsooth, it has too many in it. Oons! I think we must get a pair of scales and weigh out a sufficient quantity of that same. _Fust_. Come, come, Mr Trapwit, clear the stage, if you please. _Trap_. With all my heart; for I have overstayed my time already; I am to read my play to-day to six different companies of quality. _Fust_. You'll stay and see the tragedy rehearsed, I hope? _Trap_. Faith, sir, it is my great misfortune that I can't; I deny myself a great pleasure, but cannot possibly stay--to hear such damn'd stuff as I know it must be. [_Aside_. _Sneer_. Nay, dear Trapwit, you shall not go. Consider, your advice may be of some service to Mr Fustian; besides, he has stayed the rehearsal of your play----