_Trap_. Why, behind the scenes, sir. What, would you have everything brought upon the stage? I intend to bring ours to the dignity of the French stage; and I have Horace's advice on my side. We have many things both said and done in our comedies which might be better performed behind the scenes: the French, you know, banish all cruelty from their stage; and I don't see why we should bring on a lady in ours practising all manner of cruelty upon her lover: besides, sir, we do not only produce it, but encourage it; for I could name you some comedies, if I would, where a woman is brought in for four acts together, behaving to a worthy man in a manner for which she almost deserves to be hanged; and in the fifth, forsooth, she is rewarded with him for a husband: now, sir, as I know this hits some tastes, and am willing to oblige all, I have given every lady a latitude of thinking mine has behaved in whatever manner she would have her. _Sneer_. Well said, my little Trap! but pray let us have the scene. _Trap_. Go on, miss, if you please. _Miss M_. I have struggled with myself to put you to so many trials of your constancy; nay, perhaps have indulged myself a little too far in the innocent liberties of abusing you, tormenting you, coquetting, lying, and jilting; which as you are so good to forgive, I do faithfully promise to make you all the amends in my power, by making you a good wife. _Trap_. That single promise, sir, is more than any of my brother authors had ever the grace to put into the mouth of any of their fine ladies yet; so that the hero of a comedy is left in a much worse condition than the villain of a tragedy, and I would choose rather to be hanged with the one than married with the other. _Sneer_. Faith, Trapwit, without a jest, thou art in the right on't. _Fust_. Go on, go on, dear sir, go on. _Col_. And can you be so generous, so great, so good? Oh! load not thus my heart with obligations, lest it sink beneath its burden! Oh! could I live a hundred thousand years, I never could repay the bounty of that last speech! Oh! my paradise! Eternal honey drops from off your tongue! And when you spoke, then Farinelli sung! _Trap_. Open your arms, miss, if you please; remember you are no coquet now: how pretty this looks! don't it? [_Mimicking her_] Let me have one of your best embraces, I desire: do it once more, pray--There, there, that's pretty well; you must practise this behind the scenes. [_Exeunt_ Miss M. _and_ Col.] _Sneer_. Are they gone to practice, now, Mr Trapwit? _Trap_. You're a joker, Mr Sneerwell; you're a joker. _Enter_ Lord PLACE, Mayor, _and_ Mrs Mayoress. _Place_. I return you my hearty thanks, Mr Mayor, for this return! and in return of the favour, I will certainly do you a very good turn very shortly. _Fust_. I wish the audience don't do you an ill turn, Mr Trapwit, for that last speech. _Sneer_. Yes, faith, I think I would cut out a turn or two.