Friday, January 14, 1742‒3. My spiritual conflicts were unspeakably dreadful, heavier than the mountains and overflowing floods: I seemed inclosed as it were, in hell itself: I was deprived of all sense of God, even of the being of a God; and that was my misery. *This was distress the nearest a-kin to the damned’s torments that I ever endured: their torments, I am sure will consist much in the privation of God, and consequently of all good. This taught me the absolute dependance of a creature upon the Creator, for every crumb of happiness it enjoys. Oh! I feel that if there is no God, though I might live for ever here, and enjoy not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten thousand times more miserable than a toad. My soul was in such anguish I could not eat, but felt as I supposed a poor wretch would, that is just going to the place of execution. I was almost swallowed up with anguish, when I saw people gathering together to hear me preach. However, I went to the house of God, and he was pleased to give me freedom and enlargement, and I spent the evening comfortably. *Lord’s day, January 23. I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist, as now: I saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where I am going; I thought I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and much more to have any respect shewn me. Indeed I felt myself banished from the earth, as if all places were too good for such a wretch as I: I thought I should be ashamed to go among the very savages of Africa; I appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing, neither heaven nor earth.――――None knows, but those that feel it, what the soul endures that is sensibly shut out from the presence of God; alas it is more bitter than death. Wednesday, January 26. I preached to a pretty large assembly; insisted on humility, and stedfastness in keeping God’s commands; and that through humility we should prefer one another in love. I felt sweetly calm, and full of brotherly love, never more free from party spirit. I hope some good will follow, that Christians will be freed from party zeal and censuring one another. [On Thursday, after a considerable time spent in prayer and Christian conversation, he rode to New-London.] *Friday, January 28. Here I found some carried away with a false zeal and bitterness. Oh, the want of a gospel-temper is greatly to be lamented. I spent the evening in conversing with some about some points of conduct in both ministers and private Christians; but did not agree with them: God had not _taught them with briars and thorns_ to be of a kind disposition toward mankind.