Thursday, December 6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired in a house of my own; I set apart this day for secret prayer and fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor people, on my friends, and on the church of God. And now God was pleased to give me a discovery of _the plague of my own heart_, more affecting than I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness in this, that when God had _withdrawn_ himself, instead of living and dying in _pursuit_ of him, I have been disposed to one of these two things, either to yield an unbecoming respect to some _earthly_ objects, as if happiness were to be derived from them: or to be secretly _froward_ and impatiently desirous of _death_. That which often drove me to this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good. But now God made me sensible of my sin, and enabled me to cry to him for _forgiveness_. Yet this was not all I wanted: for my soul appeared exceedingly polluted; and I wanted to be purified “by the blood of sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin.” And this I was enabled to pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness, fervency, and spirituality than I expected; God was better to me than my fears. I was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening: I saw so much need of divine help, that I knew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I needed food. Lord’s-day, December 9. I preached both parts of the day at a place called _Greenwich_, about ten miles from my own house. In the first discourse I had scarce any warmth. In the intermission season I got alone among the bushes, and cried to God being in anguish, that I could not address souls with more compassion and tender affection; which I saw I could not get of myself, any more than I could make a world. In the latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both in prayer and preaching; and in the application I was enabled to address precious souls with affection, tenderness, and importunity. The Spirit of God was there; the effects were apparent, tears running down many cheeks. Monday, December 10. I rode home, blessed God for his ♦goodness; and rejoiced, that so much of my work was done, and I so much nearer my reward. ♦ “gooddess” replaced with “goodness” per Errata Wednesday, December 12. I was very weak, but enabled with sweetness to cry, “Come, Lord Jesus! come quickly.” My soul “longed for God, for the living God.” O how delightful it is, to pray under such influences! How much better than one’s _necessary food_! I had at this time no disposition to eat, (though late in the morning) for earthly food appeared wholly tasteless.――I visited and preached to the Indians, in the afternoon; but under much dejection. I found my interpreter under some concern for his soul; which was some comfort to me. I longed greatly for his conversion, poured out my soul to God for him; and was enabled to leave all with God.