The Works of Thomas Hood; Vol. 01 (of 11): Comic and Serious, in Prose and Verse, With All the Original IllustrationsHood, Thomas
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The Works of Thomas Hood; Vol. 01 (of 11): Comic and Serious, in Prose and Verse, With All the Original Illustrations
Hood, Thomas
English poetry -- 19th century; English wit and humor; Humorous poetry, English
The horror of Emilia, on discovering that the Moor had murdered
her mistress, was scarcely greater than that of Miss Morbid! She
hardly, she said, believed her own senses. You might have knocked
her down with a feather! She did not know whether she stood on her
head or her heels. She was rooted to the spot; and her hair, if it
had been her own, would have stood upright upon her head! There
was no doubt in the case. She saw the transfer of a portion of her
own bank stock, from her escritoire into the right-hand pocket of
her protégé--she heard it chink as it dropped downwards--she was
petrified!--dumbfounded!--thunderbolted!--“annilliated!” She was as
white as a sheet, but she felt as if all the blacks in the world had
just blown in her face.
Her first impulse was to rush upon the robber, and insist on
restitution--her second was to sit down and weep,--and her third was
to talk. The opening as usual was a mere torrent of ejaculations
intermixed with vituperation--but she gradually fell into a lecture
with many heads. First, she described all that she had done for the
Blacks, and then, alas! all that the Blacks had done for her. Next she
insisted on the enormity of the crime, and, anon, she enlarged on the
nature of its punishment. It was here that she was most eloquent. She
traced the course of human justice, from detection to conviction, and
thence to execution, liberally throwing dissection into the bargain:
and then descending with Dante into the unmentionable regions, she
painted its terrors and tortures with all the circumstantial fidelity
that certain very Old Masters have displayed on the same subject.
“And now, you black wretch,” she concluded, having just given the
finishing touch to a portrait of Satan himself; “and now, you black
wretch, I insist on knowing what I was robbed for. Come, tell me what
tempted you! I’m determined to hear it! I insist, I say, on knowing
what was to be done with the wages of iniquity!”
She insisted, however, in vain. The black wretch had seriously inclined
her ear to the whole lecture, grinning and blubbering by turns. The
Judge with his black cap, the Counsel and their wigs, the twelve
men in a box, and Jack Ketch himself--whom she associated with that
pleasant West Indian personage, John Canoe--had amused, nay, tickled
her fancy; the press-room, the irons, the rope, and the Ordinary, whom
she mistook for an overseer, had raised her curiosity, and excited
her fears; but the spiritualities, without any reference to Obeah,
had simply mystified and disgusted her, and she was now in a fit of
the sulks. Her mistress, however, persisted in her question; and not
the less pertinaciously, perhaps, from expecting a new peg whereon to
hang a fresh lecture. She was determined to learn the destination of
the stolen money; and by dint of insisting, cajoling, and, above all,
threatening--for instance, with the whole Posse Comitatis--she finally
carried her point.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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