Three Men and a MaidWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Three Men and a Maid
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
"You are!"
"Don't argue!"
"I'm not arguing!"
"You are!"
"I'm not!"
Jane Hubbard had practically every noble quality which a woman can
possess with the exception of patience. A patient woman would have
stood by, shrinking from interrupting the dialogue. Jane Hubbard's
robuster course was to raise the elephant-gun, point it at the front
door, and pull the trigger.
"I thought that would stop you," she said complacently, as the echoes
died away and Mr. Bennett had finished leaping into the air. She
inserted a fresh cartridge, and sloped arms. "Now, the question is...."
"You made me bite my tongue!" said Mr. Bennett, deeply aggrieved.
"Serves you right!" said Jane placidly. "Now, the question is, have the
fellows got away or are they hiding somewhere in the house? I think
they're still in the house."
"The police!" exclaimed Mr. Bennett, forgetting his lacerated tongue
and his other grievances. "We must summon the police!"
"Obviously!" said Mrs. Hignett, withdrawing her fascinated gaze from
the ragged hole in the front door, the cost of repairing which she had
been mentally assessing. "We must send for the police at once."
"We don't really need them, you know," said Jane. "If you'll all go to
bed and just leave me to potter round with my gun...."
"And blow the whole house to pieces!" said Mrs. Hignett tartly. She had
begun to revise her original estimate of this girl. To her, Windles was
sacred, and anyone who went about shooting holes in it forfeited her
esteem.
"Shall I go for the police?" said Billie. "I could bring them back in
ten minutes in the car."
"Certainly not!" said Mr. Bennett. "My daughter gadding about all over
the countryside in an automobile at this time of night!"
"If you think I ought not to go alone, I could take Bream."
"Where _is_ Bream?" said Mr. Mortimer.
The odd fact that Bream was not among those present suddenly presented
itself to the company.
"Where can he be?" said Billie.
Jane Hubbard laughed the wholesome, indulgent laugh of one who is
broad-minded enough to see the humor of the situation even when the
joke is at her expense.
"What a silly girl I am!" she said. "I do believe that was Bream I shot
at upstairs. How foolish of me making a mistake like that!"
"You shot my only son!" cried Mr. Mortimer.
"I shot _at_ him," said Jane. "My belief is that I missed him.
Though how I came to do it beats me. I don't suppose I've missed a
sitter like that since I was a child in the nursery. Of course," she
proceeded, looking on the reasonable side, "the visibility wasn't good,
and I fired from the hip, but it's no use saying I oughtn't at least to
have winged him, because I ought." She shook her head with a touch of
self-reproach. "I shall be chaffed about this if it comes out," she
said regretfully.
"The poor boy must be in his room," said Mr. Mortimer.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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