Three Men and a MaidWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Three Men and a Maid
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
"Under the bed, if you ask me," said Jane, blowing on the barrel of her
gun and polishing it with the side of her hand. "_He's_ all right!
Leave him alone, and the housemaid will sweep him up in the morning."
"Oh, he can't be!" cried Billie, revolted.
A girl of high spirit, it seemed to her repellent that the man she was
engaged to marry should be displaying such a craven spirit. At that
moment she despised and hated Bream Mortimer. I think she was wrong,
mind you. It is not my place to criticise the little group of people
whose simple annals I am relating--my position is merely that of a
reporter--: but personally I think highly of Bream's sturdy common-sense.
If somebody loosed off an elephant gun at me in a dark corridor, I would
climb on to the roof and pull it up after me. Still, rightly or wrongly,
that was how Billie felt: and it flashed across her mind that Samuel
Marlowe, scoundrel though he was, would not have behaved like this. And
for a moment a certain wistfulness added itself to the varied emotions
then engaging her mind.
"I'll go and look, if you like," said Jane agreeably. "You amuse
yourselves somehow till I come back."
She ran easily up the stairs, three at a time. Mr. Mortimer turned to
Mr. Bennett.
"It's all very well your saying Wilhelmina mustn't go, but, if she
doesn't, how can we get the police? The house isn't on the 'phone, and
nobody else can drive the car."
"That's true," said Mr. Bennett, wavering.
"I'm going," said Billie resolutely. It occurred to her, as it has
occurred to so many women before her, how helpless men are in a crisis.
The temporary withdrawal of Jane Hubbard had had the effect which the
removal of a rudder has on a boat. "It's the only thing to do. I shall
be back in no time."
She stepped firmly to the coat-rack, and began to put on her
motoring-cloak. And just then Jane Hubbard came downstairs, shepherding
before her a pale and glassy-eyed Bream.
"Right under the bed," she announced cheerfully, "making a noise like a
piece of fluff in order to deceive burglars."
Billie cast a scornful look at her fiancee. Absolutely unjustified, in
my opinion, but nevertheless she cast it. But it had no effect at all.
Terror had stunned Bream Mortimer's perceptions. His was what the
doctors call a penumbral mental condition. He was in a sort of trance.
"Bream," said Billie, "I want you to come in the car with me to fetch
the police."
"All right," said Bream.
"Get your coat."
"All right," said Bream.
"And cap."
"All right," said Bream.
He followed Billie in a docile manner out through the front door, and they
made their way to the garage at the back of the house, both silent. The
only difference between their respective silences was that Billie's was
thoughtful, while Bream's was just the silence of a man who has unhitched
his brain and is getting along as well as he can without it.
In the hall they had left, Jane Hubbard once more took command of
affairs.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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