It is a rather strange sensation one encounters when he fosters dreams and desires and yet, simultaneously, knows that those dreams are that which, in all probability, will never materialize; and while one deeply feels the disappointment of this unattainable goal, he also accepts the situation blandly as a matter of course. Toward the mountains I felt just this emotion. . . desire and inability mottled with the acceptance that had already developed within my mind. Coupled with the internal disappointment of the "now" was the realization of that which I was capable of mastering the former year. Despite these physical limitations, however, I am still able to thoroughly enjoy the mere sensations of the mountains by way of my eyes, ears, and touch. Here I can still derive a satisfaction... a feeling of solitude... which no other type of atmosphere can fulfill. It is my opinion that only a brash fool could not love this atmosphere. ...this is no place for hate... it is for life, emotion, and death and for the celebration thereof. Sept. 2, 1982: Here I sit, casually observing the transformation of summer into the cloak of early fall. It is slightly unbelievable that summer is now slipping away as smoothly as the wind shuffles my hair. I enjoyed the summer, but the time has elapsed from one day to the next until the days themselves are lost in a hazy dream. Had I only the chance, I would rearrange time to include the serenity which I now possess. I feel that my early summer was washed away in a blur of nervous, albeit necessary, activities; I remained uncharacteristically surrounded by petty occupations to retain a shred of sanity. . . so reved up was my emotional stability that I neglected, unconsciously, to step out of the race. I felt cheated. . . having so little time and yet so much I desired to accomplish. PAGE 236 Chapter 30 Autumn at Augustana "School was not a "given" in my life. . . I had no other alternative but to uphold a charade of normalcy. . .that gave my parents the right to hope. . . " CHAPTER THIRTY Autumn At Augustana