School was not a "given" in my life; it was a factor over which I had control. Initially, I felt I had no other alternative but to uphold a charade of normalcy, for that gave my parents the right to hope and feel, perhaps, that life for our family was somewhat akin to the societal norm. Although I had experienced deep tremors of anxiety toward the thought of attending school during the summer months, I too, deemed it best to carry on; I could not abide the image of myself as an unproductive, and therefore, devalued member of the family. Also within me was the question of whether I could manage the demanding pressures of school, and the need to somehow prove to myself that I could, both mentally and physically, pass the test. Though my assignments were well accepted, my physical performance was far below average; my will was strong, but my body could not keep up. The decision to drop all of my classes spelled defeat, for I disliked to quit, but even more it meant relief and the freedom to entertain my desires in a comfortable atmosphere without overly taxing myself. My parents looked upon my action with more regret and pain, for it brought the issue of my ill health to the forefront. Now it could no longer be concealed behind a wall of books or hours spent out of the house, for I was home all day, every day. My mom persisted in her assertion that "if only you'd taken just one class. . ." it could have added excitement and social interaction to my life. Had I enjoyed school as do habitual students, I might have followed her suggestion, yet I found my free time to be an immense improvement and would forgo none of it to sit in a stuffy classroom. One need not attend a college to expand his intellectual horizons, and I had no intention of falling into illiteracy; I merely wanted to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Having scored highly on my first geography exam and completed the English assignments successfully gave me the confidence that I so needed, and further led me to believe that I would have otherwise been a capable student; while I suffered a physical defeat, I had not failed. With no obligations to fulfill, my life was rejuvenated with a simplicity which could best be described as wonderful. I truly reveled in the autumn splendor and my spirit possessed a vitality which had nearly been smothered by a mere four weeks' toil and stress. My general health improved markedly as I was no longer plunging all of my energies into school's demands. I now could heed my body's warning to rest as needed, and thereby enjoy more fully the other areas in which my interest thrived. The thought that time was rapidly slipping by gave way, once again, to the essence of quality which had, for a while, escaped my grasp. PAGE 243 Chapter 31 Depression "It is essential to realize that no matter what type of adversity one may have to face, the ultimate self is the inner self." CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE Depression