His mind was too agitated to compose, but he began clattering a
little on the machine, at random, just to give the impression that he
was working. Why should any one invent a ‘noiseless’ typewriter, he
wondered? The charm of a typewriter was that it _did_ make a noise,
a noise that shut out the racket other people were making. What a
senseless idea, to imagine that he could really get some work done
here, buried in the country. He could not concentrate because there
was nothing to concentrate _from_. There was only the huge vacancy of
golden summer, droning pine trees, yawning beaches, the barren pagan
earth under a crypt of air. The world shimmered like a pale jewel with
a flame of uneasiness at its core. The place to write about Summer
Tranquillity would have been that hot secret little office of his in
town, where the one window opened like a furnace door into a white
blaze of sunshine, where perspiration dripped from his nose on the
typewriter keys, but where he had the supreme sensation of intangible
solitude.
What on earth were they walking about for, upstairs? Was she showing
the man the whole house? He looked distractedly across the garden. The
listless beaming of the summer noon lay drowsy upon the lawn, filling
him with an appalling sense of his absurd futility. As Phyllis had so
often said, he was neither business man nor artist. What the devil was
he working for, what goal was there, what fine flamboyant achievement
was possible? He had a feeling of being alone against the world, a poor
human clown wrestling with grotesque obsessions; and no longer really
young.
He leaned toward the glass-paned bookcase, tilting his head anxiously
to see the reflection of the top ... certainly it was receding in a
V above each temple--but that made the forehead seem higher. He had
always believed that, among advertising men, he looked rather more
intellectual ... he turned again to the window, a little ashamed of his
agitations. Beyond the glass veranda he caught the stolid gaze of the
cook at the pantry window. He averted his head quickly: ridiculous that
you can’t do anything without catching someone’s eye. All this was just
insanity. He took up the page he was working on and rolled it into the
typewriter. Page 38 ... like himself, thirty-eight, and forty only two
pages away. I suppose that at forty a man feels just as young as ever,
but ... it’s absurd to feel as young as I do, at thirty-eight.... Well,
I must keep my mind clear (he thought, rather pathetically)--it’s the
only capital we have.
Phyllis’s footsteps were coming downstairs. He was always worried when
he heard them like that: slow and light, pausing every few treads. That
meant she was thinking about something, and in a minute there would be
a new problem for him to consider. When he heard them like that he
usually rushed into the hall, demanding hotly, “Well, what is it _now_?”
“What is what?”
“You know I can’t work when you come downstairs like that.”
“Like _what_?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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