Traits of American Humour, Vol. 1 of 3 — John Shaqi
Traits of American Humour, Vol. 1 of 3
General
Traits of American Humour, Vol. 1 of 3
American wit and humor
“Hadn’t she kept him from pitchin’ John Seagroves, neck and heels, out
of the window for sayin’ that nullification _warn’t_ treason, and John
C. Calhoun warn’t as bad as Benedict Arnold. And hadn’t John been a good
payin’ customer ever since? That was what he wanted to know.”
The next session of the Circuit Court after this prudent conclusion had
been arrived at in Dennis’s mind—the Circuit Court with all its
attractions of criminal trials, poker-playing lawyers, political
caucases and possible monkey shows, found Captain Suggs snugly housed at
the “Union.”
Time passed on swiftly for a week. The judge was a hearty liquor-loving
fellow; and lent the Captain ten dollars “on sight.” The Wetumpka and
Montgomery lawyers bled freely. In short, everything went bravely on for
the Captain, until a man with small-pox pits and a faro-box came along.
The Captain yielded to the temptation, yielded with a presentiment on
his mind that he should be “slain.” The “tiger” was triumphant, and
Suggs was left without a dollar!
As if to give intensity to his distress, on the morning after his losses
at the faro-bank, the friendly Clerk of the Court hinted to Suggs, that
the grand jury had found an indictment against him for gaming. Here was
a dilemma! Not only out of funds, but obliged to decamp before the
adjournment of the Court—obliged to lose all opportunity of redeeming
his “fallen fortunes,” by further plucking the greenhorns in attendance.
“This here,” said Simon, “is an everlastin’ fix! a mile and a quarter
square and fenced in all round. What’s a _reasonable_ man to do? Ain’t I
bin workin’ and strivin’ all for the best? Ain’t I done my duty? Cuss
that mahogany box. I wish the man that invented it had had his head
sawed off with a cross-cut, _just_ afore he thought on’t. Now thar’s the
sence _in short cards_. All’s fair, and cheat and cheat alike is the
order; and the longest pole knocks down persimmon. But whar’s the reason
in one of your darned boxes, full of springs and the like, and the
better _no_ advantages, _except_ now and then when he kin kick up a
squabble, and _the dealer’s afeard of him_.
“I’m for doin’ things on the square. What’s a man without his honour? Ef
natur give me a gift to beat a feller at ‘old sledge,’ and the like,
it’s all right! But whar’s the justice in a thing like farrer, that
ain’t got but one side! It’s strange what a horrir I have for the cussed
thing. No matter how I make an honest rise, I’m sure to ‘back it off’ at
farrer. As my wife says, ‘_farrer’s my besettin’ sin_.’ It’s a
weakness—a soft spot, it’s a—a—let me see!—it’s a way I’ve got of a
runnin’ agin Providence. But hello! here’s Dennis.”
When the inn-keeper walked up, Captain Suggs remarked to him, that there
was a “little paper out,” signed by Tom Garrett, in his _official
capacity_, that was calculated to hurt feelins’, if he remained in town,
and so he desired that his horse might be saddled and brought out.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account