In the county of ——, and about five miles apart, lived old Hardy Slow and old Tobias Swift. They were both industrious, honest, sensible farmers, when sober; but they never visited their county-town without getting drunk; and then they were—precisely what the following narrative makes them. They both happened at the Court-House on the same day, when I last saw them together; the former accompanied by his wife, and the latter by his youngest son, a lad about thirteen. Tobias was just clearly on the wrong side of the line, which divides drunk from sober; but Hardy was “_royally corned_” (but not falling) when they met, about an hour by sun in the afternoon, near the rack at which their horses were hitched. They stopped about four feet apart, and looked each other full in the face for about half a minute, during all which time, Toby sucked his teeth, winked, and made signs with his shoulders and elbows to the by-standers that he knew Hardy was drunk, and was going to quiz him for their amusement. In the meantime, Hardy looked at Tobias, like a polite man dropping to sleep in spite of himself under a dull long story. At length Toby broke silence: “How goes it, Uncle Hardy?” (_winking to the company, and shrugging his shoulders_.) “Why, Toby!—is that you? Well—upon my—why, Toby!——Lord—help—my—soul and——Why, Toby! what, in, the, worl’, set, you, to, gitt’n, drunk—this, time o’ day? Swear, poin’ blank, you’re drunk! Why—you—must be, an old, fool—to, get, drunk, right, before, all these, gentlemen——a’ready, Toby.” “Well, but, now you see (_winking_), Uncle Hardy, a gill-cup an’t a quart-pot, nor a quart-pot an’t a two-gallon jug; and therefore (_winking and chuckling_), Uncle Hardy, a thing is a thing, turn it which way you will, it just sticks at what it was before you give it first ex—ex—ploit.” “Well, the Lord, help, my——Why, Toby! what, is the reas’n, you, never, will, answer, me this, one—circumstance——and, that, is——I, always, find, you, drunk, when, I come, here.” “Well, now, but Uncle Hardy, you always know circumstances alters cases, as the fellow said; and therefore, if one circumstance alters another circumstance——how’s your wife and children?” “I, swear, poin’ blank, I shan’t tell you—because, you r’ally, is, too drunk, to know, my wife, when, you, meet, her, in the street, all, day, long, and, she’ll, tell, you, the, very, same, thing, as, all, these, gentlemen, can—testimony.” “Well, but now you see, Uncle Hardy, thinking’s one thing and knowing’s another, as the fellow said; and the proof o’ the pudding’s chawin’ the bag, as the fellow said; and you see—toll-doll-diddle-de-doll-doll-day (_singing and capering_), you think I can’t dance? Come, Uncle Hardy, let’s dance.” “Why, Toby!—you—come—to this? _I_ didn’t make, you, drunk, did I? You, an’t, took, a drink, with, me, this, live, long, day—is you? I, say, is you, Toby?” “No, Uncle Har—” “Well, then, let’s go, take a drink.”