Treat 'em Rough: Letters from Jack the Kaiser KillerLardner, Ring
General
Treat 'em Rough: Letters from Jack the Kaiser Killer
Lardner, Ring
American wit and humor; World War, 1914-1918 -- Humor
Well Florrie handed me a box and she says I was to not open it till she
was gone and then I showed them over the camp and the way the boys
staired at Florrie I couldn't help from being proud of her but of course
if some of them had of got to fresh I would of fixed them so they
wouldn't do no stairing for a couple of wks. Sebastian's wife and 2 kids
was here to visit him and we run into them and we all went a round
together and I made the remark that it would be nice for Mrs. Sebastian
and her kids and Florrie and little Al to all go back to Chi on the same
train together and it was O.K. with Mrs. Sebastian but when I and
Florrie was alone together for a few minutes she started to ball me out
for makeing the suggestion and I asked her what was the matter with it
and she says she wasn't going to set in the same seat on the train with
a woman that looked like she had left home before she got up and little
Al would probably catch something from the 2 Sebastian kids so I said
that Mrs. Sebastian done real work for a liveing and you couldn't expect
her to look like Sarah Bernhart but Florrie is the kind that if she
takes a dislike towards somebody its good night to them and it don't do
no good to tell her that a person can't help their looks and that is all
the more reason you should try and not hurt their feelings. So Mrs.
Sebastian had a round trip ticket on the C.B. and Q. and so did Florrie
but she pretended like hers was on the I.C. and thats the way her and
little Al went back so they wouldn't have to set with the Sebastians and
take a chance of little Al catching something though from what I seen of
the Sebastian kids they looked as strong as a horse and they wasn't no
danger of catching nothing from them unless maybe it was the banana
habit.
I suppose I would of been a grass widower long ago if I was ugly and how
will it be if I get shot up in the war and Florrie would sew me for a
bill of divorce on the grounds that I didn't have no nose to smell the
cooking.
Well Al after they had gone Sebastian made the remark that I had a
beautiful wife and I couldn't help from feeling kind of sorry for him so
I says "Never mind old boy" I said to him "as long as your Mrs. is a
good mother and willing to work you should not worry if she is no Eva
Tanguay." But I didn't feel so sorry for him when we opened up the boxs
they had broughten us and Sebastian's wife had give him doughnuts and a
pie and part of a cake and goodys of all kinds and when I opened up my
box it was a lb. of candy like you get in a union station for 60 cts and
if it wasn't for the picture of a girl on the cover it would be all
profit and a man can't eat the picture which was the only part of it
that hadn't ran together like chop sooy and Florrie would of made just
as big a hit with me if she had of put in the time bakeing me a mess of
cookys that she spent toneing up her ear lobs or something.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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